Today's been an interesting day. I woke up and was quite happy-happy for no reason...I think I just finally got enough sleep for once in my life. Then I got to work and it all went downhill due to kinks in communication and over-reaction.
And the heat? Yeah, it didn't do anything to help my down-trodden attitude. I realize it's summer. But it's--say it with me now--the U.P. I don't do heat. I certainly don't do humidity. I sweat and I get even more cranky with heat. So far I've been quite happy with the UP summer. But not today. The humidity smothered me like a blanket and I had pools of sweat. Ugh.
Yup, it definitely didn't help my attitude. What did help was Chinese food and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Yay for finally owning it. Well...not finally owning it, but owning it.
I'm babbling. I blame it on the pretty bright pink pill that Chrissy gave me to kill the pain in my foot. Yes, it's still hurting. I'm still limping. So I swallowed a pretty pill. I felt like Alice.
Then I drank alcohol.
I am sooo smart.
It was a fun night, folks. I felt like a sex goddess socialite. I had fun. I wasn't high, I wasn't drunk. I was....me. A funner form of me I think.
At least I didn't do anything dumb like dry hump with strangers or go all girls gone wild or anything. Sad--even in a semi-narcotic state I'm still on my guard.
I've been thinking about relationships...again. Why do I feel like I sing this song every three weeks? Maybe it coincides with PMS or something. Something.
Anyways.....
I think I feel inadequate and insecure at this point in my life. There's no real reason for it, but I just do. It's nothing anyone really did or said. Or it could be just a culmination of everything everyone done and said. Who knows. It's ambiguous, I don't really know what's going on.
I'm just frustrated by these feelings because deep down I know that I'm an amazing person and I deserve an amazing person to love me. And I so deeply crave love right now.
A part of me thinks I won't truly be successful until I'm in a relationship...or until I've at least experienced what a relationship is like. I feel like a social pariah right now because I'm almost 22 and I don't know what it's like to be in a caring relationship. People in my family who are like 4 years younger than me are marrying and planning families while I'm planning my next night out.
And while I'm living life on my terms, I think that there's a small part of me that truly wants to be coupled. It may be because of what society tells us. It could be because of all those damn romantic comedies I watch. I just don't know. All I know is that the one thing I truly want is a boyfriend.
It pains me to say that. Sometimes it hurts so bad to look at couples that are sick-happy-in-love. I feel like my love life is at a stalemate: no prospects, no solutions. It's just....existing, if only in the back of my mind.
And I think that something may be holding me back. While I have an idea of what it may possibly be, I don't want to act childish and blame that thing.
I don't know what I'm getting at here. There's no ending, no answers. By writing, I'm just thinking things through. I think the happy pretty pill may be just fully mixing with the fuzzy navels now.
All I can say is that I have to just keep hoping. "It is better to hope than to doubt." Just gotta keep my positive attitude....
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: Punk'd
Crush du Jour: haha
Happy Thought of the Moment: good talks, quality time with friends, pretty pink pills, dangly earrings, MAC lip tint lip balm