It's funny how something so good can serve as a catalyst for something so....not good.
Ryan and I were talking online today about Spring Break. I am determined to do something--ANYTHING--for Spring Break. I will NOT be in Marquette or anywhere near the U.P. So we were talking about plans and I started joking about London. It's a place we'd talked about going. Somehow it snowballed into actually making an itinerary for Spring Break.
Me + London = a happy Spring Break.
This may actually happen. The wheels are in motion. This isn't one of those things where talk is done, but no plans are cemented. We have a timeline established already. I'm a little scared about how fast things are moving.
Part of me is stunned. Nothing this fabulous ever happens to me. Yes, I've gotten to go to some kick ass concerts and road trips lately. And I'm so completely happy and grateful for that. But London? This has been my dream since 10th grade. To finally be cementing it is a little crazy. I didn't think I'd ever get to visit there, I always just assumed I'd dream about it and that's it.
Let's face it: as charming/funny/entertaining as my life is, it's not exactly a fairy tale realized. I've been blessed but not enchanted. The good stuff that's occurred has been great and I love it. But I never thought that I'd get to realize the dreams that I've fantasized about. I was always taught to dream big, but I never actually thought they'd come true. I don't have a fairy godmother. I'm a girl that comes from the poorhouse essentially. Everything I have I've worked hard to get. My mom struggles monthly to make ends meet.
So for this dream to actually be realized.... Or at least being well on the way to being realized--it amazes me. And scares me, too.
Part of me thinks that I don't deserve this. A yooper girl in London. It doesn't really sound right.
At the same time I'm thinking why not. Why don't I deserve this? I've worked really hard my entire high school and college career. I deserve to have some fun. This is my last year to really live it up before I enter the real world. I SHOULD grab life by the balls. And french kiss this chance.
This is the opportunity I've been waiting for. I shouldn't freak out about it, right?
Then why did I feel like wretching when the plans started to congele today? Maybe because I'm cynical and I don't really think that plans will come through. (Even though Ryan's determination will drive this project, I'm sure.)
Or maybe it's because the minute I started thinking about money I almost had a full-on panic attack. I can and will make this work. I'm getting overage checks that'll fund my trips (yes, I'm also going to NYC in October--eee!). I'm just afraid that I'll go into debt somehow. And the job market for communication people right now isn't too stellar. Debt and no job means I could end up jobless, homeless, friendless, lifeless.
That was my train of thought this afternoon. I'm afraid that if I go through with this and french kiss life and do something that I really want to do, I'll end up somehow scarring my future.
It's an uncalled for way of thinking. I control my life and my destiny. I know that if I do good, good will come my way. I hope.
I just want to be happy. If I wasn't so paranoid and neurotic maybe that could happen.
Not that I'm not happy, I am. This is the time of my life. I'd just be happier if I didn't worry so much. Or think so much.
Gaah. Someone shut me up. And get me therapy.
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My Rockstar Fantasy To: Full House
Crush du Jour: meh
Happy Thought of the Moment: upcoming bday (!), dinkelisms, fun story-telling, free magazines, decorating inspiration, London (!?!), good friends, McDs, seeing the family tomorrow, sleep, frozen pizza