I feel like an emotional mess. Like my world is collapsing around me. The thing is...it shouldn't be. I don't really have a good reason for it to be.
The only reason I can think of is insecurity. A good friend told me tonight to own my insecurity. This is me owning it. I'm afraid that one day all of my friends are going to wake up and realize that I'm a dork and not worth having as a friend. Because that's how I view myself right now. I'm afraid that people will think I'm some kind of fake, that I'm wearing a mask and that I'm not worth their time.
The thing is...I'm not. I'm not that way at all. What you see is what you get with me. There's very little that I keep private--hello, this is public and accessible to all for a reason. My heart is very exposed on my sleeve. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
My world just feels like it's being shaken. I don't know if it's just me or if there's a good reason for it. It could just very well be me over-reacting; we all know that I'm good at that. I'm not denying that I'm a drama queen. As much as I loathe drama and the stress that goes with it, it seems to adhere to me and my life.
And maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is what I need. Maybe because of this my horizons will be broadened and my mind will be opened. This is what I'm hoping. But then...why do I feel like crawling into a hole and waiting it out?
The unknown is a very scary thing. I'm not an un-confident person, but the future and not knowing what's about to happen is enough to send me into panic attack mode.
I feel like something is slipping through my fingers. A part of who I am. I'm losing confidence and there's no reason for it. I could blame it on the lack of romance in my life, but I've never depended on anyone to validate my life before and I defy that to happen now. I could blame it on friendships (which, honestly, is what I think is the catalyst for all of this reflection) because I know how important they are and how they mold who I am, but I'm sick of blaming others. Because I can only blame others so much. I could blame my family, my past, the divorce, my childhood--a plethora of things. But I simply don't believe that those have anything to do with this...this thing that's occurring.
It's all very ambiguous right now. I try to explain how I feel and what I fear and what's happening and I find myself tongue-tied. Lately I haven't been able to fully and completely express myself--not only verbally but in writing as well. This only happens when I'm suffering in some way. The only time I'm ever quiet is when my confidence is suffering. If I'm not myself lately, pardon me; I've got to figure this out for myself.
And I'd ask for help, but I don't know what anyone can do to help. Most of my friends have been amazing. Some have hurt me lately, but most have been amazing. I mentioned in an earlier entry that the likely cure for this is time alone. I'm sorry if I've been bitchy or emotional or odd or whatever you may want to call it. I'm just not the happiest person right now.
I hope this is just a phase.....
I hope it goes away soon.....
Ciao, dahling.
~*Krissy*~