Warning:This is going to be kind of a personal entry. It'll feel like it should be in my private offline diary, but it's not. I expose my heart and wear it openly all the time, so I feel it's only fair that my friends know what's going through my head. If you feel uncomfortable, I apologize. Just know that this is my thought-process at the moment. I feel like this is something that I need to explore.
Lately a lot of my entries have been about guys. Or lack thereof. This frustrates me greatly. I hate the fact that this is the heaviest thing on my mind. I feel like my mind has had an overhaul and the love-part has taken over completely.
It's like I'm going through an identity-crisis. I don't want to blame guys because it's not really their fault. I don't think that I can blame myself because I can't help how I'm feeling really.
So that leaves frustration. Which is where I'm at. Simultaneously I want to de-ball all of male-kind and/or fall on my knees and beg them to love me.
So, really, what I'm feeling is frustration and yearning. Like something inside has clicked and I feel truly ready for a relationship. Or as ready as I can really be.
I don't know what brought this on. I can't look back on the past month and pinpoint a moment where lightning struck. Maybe it's the whole summer-love syndrome. Maybe it's the fact that everywhere I look, I'm bombarded by messages of love, lust, sex. Maybe it has something to do with my very non-existant lovelife. I just don't know.
And to me, love seems so....so coincidental. It's something I can't grasp. I know I love my family, my friends, my life. But real fireworks-lust-longing-feeling-complete-only-in-the-movies-love--that's beyond my grasp; something that I can't truly wrap my mind around. To completely accept someone for who they are--flaws and all--and promise yourself to that one single person. It's an amazing thing. It blows my mind.
It's so unique. If you believe in soulmates, for love to actually occur is almost impossible. Because how are you supposed to find your soulmate in the sea of losers and friends and strangers that you encounter on a daily basis? And is love unique to specific people? Or do we fall in love because we want it so bad? Are some people truly meant to be together? Or do we just think people are and become starry-eyed over that?
It's such a frustratingly ambiguous thing. It amazes me that people get together. It really does.
And just thinking about all of those things makes me feel even more hopeless. I feel like I can't even get a second glance sometimes. How am I supposed to find a soulmate or lover or boyfriend with the odds seemingly against me?
And though my friends all tell me to keep my head up, it's hard. It's easy for them--they're all brilliant and beautiful and funny and just amazing; which is why they're my friends. I sometimes feel like the hunchback among the gypsies.
I hate what this is doing to me. I want to know what happened to the mile-a-minute, hyperactive, lovable girl that I was. When did I become the girl that depended on love for happiness?
I. Don't. Want. To be. That. Girl.
I never did, I never will.
But judging from my writing, it seems like I'm slowly morphing into that. Which just aggravates me farther.
And I really don't believe that having a significant other will change anything. I know I have to love myself first. And I do.
And that may just be it: I know I'm fabulous. I talked about this before--I'm decently brilliant, have great friends, a good sense of humor, cute looks.
Am I missing something here? Do I have a growth on my neck that I just don't see? Or some hump that just drives people away? Am I that heinous? Is there some aspect of me that screams "Old Maid for Life???" I need to know. Because right now I feel like a hopeless case.
In a way, I do feel like I'm in a fairy tale; the heroin just biding time until she's swept off of her feet by her Prince Charming. Except I don't want to just "bide time." I have a life, and I'd like to think that I'm living it. And I want to continue to have adventures and one day see the world and check things off of my Life To-do list.
What it comes down to is that lately I've been un-happy. Not with anyone or anything. Just generally dis-content. And that served as the catalyst for this charming train of thought.
I'm aching inside. I'm not happy. I want it to stop. Something's missing, only I know exactly what it is.
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: "No Rain" by Blind Melon
Happy Thought of the Moment: rainy days, yummy breakfast, great moments with friends, channeling creativity, Sobe caps, POA out in 3 days, midnight matinees (*fingers crossed*), girly nail polish, cold water, chocolate milk, warm sweaters