So if you read my late night incoherencies last night, you read that I figured out something about guys. Actually it has more to do with my dad.
I've never gone into detail about this on here before, but I have mentioned that my parents are divorced. They divorced when I was 5, when Katy was only 3. I had no idea what it was except that it meant that dad bailed on us and moved out. I didn't understand why. (Later I figured out it was because my dad was scum and cheating on my mom with this loser whore...whom he later wed.) I thought he didn't love us anymore. When you're five that really hurts.
The worst part was that he came back and promised us that he was back for good and begged for our forgiveness...twice. Then he'd leave a day or two later, leaving us heart-broken yet again.
Does anybody see where I'm going with this?!?!? It was nearly 15 years ago that Dad did this to me and my family. But the trust is not there. Dad has totally killed any trust that I should have for guys.
Ok, so perhaps I'm being slightly dramatic here. But it's kind of true. I mean I have plenty of guy friends, and I feel comfortable enough around them, but I find myself not acting like exactly myself around them unless they've proved to me that I can trust them 110%. And very few guys have done that.
What I'm attempting to say (and I don't think that I'm saying it so very clearly) is that Dad's actions a decade and a half ago have had a very deep effect on me, even today. Because of him walking out on me, he's affected the way I see the male half, how I act around them (at least at first), and any possible relationship that I will ever have with any guy.
This explains a lot. It explains why I'm afraid of rejection. Because I don't want any guy to hurt me like my dad did when I was little. This sucks.
The bright side of this is that now that I know and have figured this out, I can begin to forgive and move forward, right?
I've been doing some soul-searching. I think that I'm at a point in my life, where I'm ready to just move on with my relationship with Dad. I'm sick and tired and being pissed at him for what he did. I mean, I turned out fine. I love the life I have. If he didn't walked out, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I wouldn't be living the life that I am enjoying so much.
This is a breakthrough for me. And I feel kind of at peace.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Living Out My RockStar Fantasy To: "Break Me, Shake Me" by Savage Garden
Crush Du Jour: Brad Pitt (I was watching Ocean's 11 earlier!!!)
Happy Thought of the Moment: Breaks from seathing humidity, road trips alone, my oscillating fan that keeps me cool on humid nights, my dreadlocked hair (even though I'm washing it soon), "A Walk to Remember", Shane West, mix tapes