I'm watching Fried Green Tomatoes right now. I find this movie to be so empowering and inspiring. Women who do things on their own--in the early 1900s to boot. Amazing. It inspires me.
But the scene was just on with the hobo alcoholic guy. The scrawny, scruffy guy who shook when he tried to eat at the Cafe. He reminded me so much of my dad. It's scary. The vulnerability that this actor displayed is the same emotion that I see in my dad every time I visit him. Which is why I don't stop by the Veteran's Home that much. I cannot stand to see my dad like that.
He has...nothing essentially. My dad's whole life has been reduced to one 15 square-foot hospital room. He has some framed pictures, some motorcycle memorabilia and a few books and videos. And that's it.
And every time he looks at me, I see the pain in his eyes. The complete misery that he's in. Him pleading to be in a better place--whereever that may be for him. It hurts me so much to look at him.
But more than that it scares me. Because it hits so close to home. Because it could happen to me. What if I fail in life? What if I made fatal mistakes that lead to fatal character flaws and a life where all I have is a small room and sad expressions? If it could happen to my dad, who's to say that it couldn't happen to me? I could have the loser gene in me.
And I realize that my dad is where he is because of a large combination of things: alcoholism, abuse, adultery, karma, health problems.....
It all adds up to where he is today. He's not in a good place and I realize that he probably deserves it not only because he left my family but also due to the destruction and pain he's caused.
But it still hurts to see him. It's not only because I can't communicate with him or form a decent relationship. It's because of my fear. Because I'm scared that I'm glimpsing my future. And because I hurt so much every time I look at him.
I know that he's sorry. He's told me that he is. I can see that he is. But it doesn't stop the hurt. And it doesn't stop his hurt.
The same expression remains. And I just don't want it to end up being the one that I wear.
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: Fried Green Tomatoes
Crush du Jour: not in the mood to think about guys...
Happy Thought of the Moment: empowerment movies, Comedy Central, yummy mashed potatoes, Em's chicken, grocery shopping, White Oleander