So I just checked out who has me listed as favorites. Yay! More people added me to their favorites list. That totally psyches me up and makes me eternally happy! Eeeee! This is me squealing I'm so happy. Yay yay yay!
I am such a dork.
So I figured something out the other day. Actually I've pretty much known it for awhile, but it seems to be reverberating pretty strongly these past couple of weeks.
I like to fix things. I like to be the one that wipes people's tears, that coaxes a smile to a face that's swamped with tears, that helps to make the big bad problems go away, that puts everything into perspective.
I consider it of the highest compliment when people come to me and let me in on secrets or problems or dramas. I love it that residents come to me when they need helps. And that goes ten-fold for my friends. I love being able to help them out.
Except now I can't.
Now, it's too hard.
I've always wondered what happens when I need comforting, need a problem solved, need my tears wiped and a smile needs coaxing to my face. Who's there for me when I'm the one breaking down?
(And, girls, this is sooo not a diss to you, in any way, shape or form--I promise. I love you all, you all rock. You are totally and completely my sounding board, my soul-sisters.)
I'm not talking about friends. Or I'm pretty sure, I'm not talking about friends. I know I can go to them for anything. I have an excellent support system--this is a given.
I'm talking about when you just can't describe how exactly you're feeling, and all you know is that it's shitty and you want it to stop and you want to scream in frustration and fury because it doesn't stop, and you'd give anything to feel normal again. You desperately seek a solution, but it's hard when you don't know what the problem is.
The only person who can truly help you is yourself. What happens if you're doubting yourself? Doubting your abilities and capabilities as a person, a human, a friend, anything?
Tonight, I feel degraded a little. I feel like what I'm doing doesn't matter. I'm losing faith in the cause. And I don't like it. I don't like having my energy sucked out of me. I hate losing my spirit. I hate not being happy.
It's good to not be happy sometimes, I know, but I really despise it.
I know to grow as a person, rain must fall--well, it's pouring right now in my world.
I work my ass off. I know I do. I feel underappreciated. I realize that I could very well be a martyr, an unsung hero. I knew this coming into it. Fuck, this is pretty much gonna be my life.
I've accepted that.
But what I don't like is when I feel like what I'm doing doesn't matter or isn't appreciated. Make me feel like I don't matter, pretty much. Or get taken for granted.
It's QUITE frustrating.
But I've decided that I will NOT sulk about it or dwell on it. (Except to vent at this moment, of course.) I will consider it motivation. This is soooo classic Krissy--if people don't realize what a goddess I am from the get-go, I'll dazzle them until they're blind, in the long run.
I like to prove people wrong. I get some sort of sick satisfaction from it. I derive pleasure from knowing that I am victorious.
And you know what? I don't care how vicious or bitch-like I sound. This is my life and I am taking control.
I will be the best I can be dammit.
I will prove that I am completely worthy of my job, my life, of everything.
I will sparkle. I will shine.
*Born to sparkle/Born to shine/Born to radiate.....(Shawn Mullins)*
I am completely dedicated to the cause that is me.
I am changing things RIGHT NOW.
I feel completely empowered and changed. I feel like 10000% better. Amazing! This is awesome. I can fly right now.
Too bad I need to get some sleep.....
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My Rockstar Fantasy To:Shit on the Radio by Nelly Furtado--hmmm, totally the right song for my life right now!
Crush du Jour: John Mayer (mmmm--thanks for the yummy pix, Em--you the best!)
Happy Thoughts: Bright bright vivid red hair (like mine!!), my sister, Hunt winning the hall decorating contest on Saturday, Nelly Furtado's cd, Norah Jones, the new issue of Cosmo, BCBGMetro lotion, citrus-y scents, cuddling and snuggling up under my fabu comforter, Jamie Kennedy, being empowered, more favorites on my list, italian sodas, inspiring people, being a good friend, the coffeehouse, people that make me laugh, Stitch, Romeo and Juliet, Moulin Rouge, the thought of the 2nd Harry Potter movie (eeee), hormones run amuck (that was me and Em on Sat. night--lord, help us both!), gorgeous sunsets, my awesome residents, shocking people, acting goofy and silly and fun on the way to class, poetry (not necessarily the class, though!), Sunday Night Sex Show