So I suck at removing staples from documents. Every time I tried to use the staple remover to get one out, it'd dislaunch and then hurl throught the air and boing me in a random body area. Mostly my forehead, but also my hip, my thigh and my bruised right arm. I was highly entertained.
The day has gotten a lot better. Due mostly to Audrey's sweet words to me. And the cheeriness of the loan officers. They rock. I love my office. Plus I feel good because I went home and took out the garbage and cleaned the apartment a bit. Go me. I feel good.
During the course of the past couple of hours, though I've come to a couple of realizations:
A.) I need to dye my hair STAT. It's mud brown and I hate it. I may be contacting Miss Chrissy to embark on this hair dying quest. At least if it's a nice color, maybe it'll look better. It's a theory...
I'm getting used to it. But I'm still investing in a curling iron and some hair piecey gunk. It gotta help. Because nothing else so far has done a lot of good. Gaah.
Other realization:
B.) This could errupt in a big drama and I realize this. But I don't care. I'm 99.87% certain that I'm cancelling my plans to go down-state in June. This will piss off certain best friend (who'll remain nameless for his sake--if you know me, you'll immediately know who I'm talkin' about), I realize this. But I feel it's something I need to do.
And yes, it has a lot to do with not being able to go to the concert. But I need to grow a spine. I'm not a puppet, I do have feelings, and right now I feel like nothing I say or do is being taken into consideration.
I feel like our relationship is becoming distanced. It was bound to happen. And maybe I should make more of an effort to curb it, but so should he. A relationship has two players and I'm not about to lob the ball around by myself. I deserve better than that.
Besides, I'd be taking off 3 days from the office, plus miss out on desk hours. And I NEED the money for my other road trips. And how much would I spend on gas? Uhh...at least $50. I need to save, not spend. It just makes sense.
But friend won't see that, I guarantee it. We're going to argue, it'll probably be blown out of proportion--I can see it now. I'll cry. I almost have already. The realization of knowing that I'm just a pawn in this friendship hurts so bad. He doesn't know the real me. He thinks he does, but he merely knows parts. And he loves me, but how much can a person love another when they don't see them and they don't know them fully and they don't make any effort?
Congratulations me, I officially have a gay boyfriend.
It hurts. A lot. Because of my friend. He won't realize it. But it's ok, because I'll stand my ground. And it'll make us both stronger. We'll cry, we may not speak for a while, but we'll be fine. I just need to cancel the June plans. Like he's cancelled on me three times this past semester.
I'm completely trying to convince myself. It makes sense, and that's comforting. Executing this will be hard.
*deep breaths*
Hopefully retail therapy will help me a bit. And Em. She ALWAYS helps. Even just by making me smile. Because right now I feel like I'll burst into tears.
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: Powerless by Nelly Furtado
Crush du Jour: Orlando Bloom
Happy thought of the MOment: closing time!!!