Blaaah.
I just got out of a 3 hour staff meeting. Which could have nearly been subtitled "Make Krissy Feel Like Shit." Some of the stuff we were talking about just hit me really hard and I felt like they were directly talking to me. I mean--they may have been, but my staff is usually never harsh like that.
Then again....yeah, I could screw things up, so maybe they have the right to make me feel bad.
But it's not like I haven't beat myself up for nearly a week now. It's not like I don't feel like shit.
Here's a rundown of how I feel:
*I've cried so much that I'm past the point of being dehydrated. Crying is now merely a cliche and the only reason I'm not bawling anymore is because I don't feel like drinking water or going through wads of Kleenex.
*I feel hollow inside. It was a lot worse on Monday when stuff was still sinking in, but I still feel hollow, like a part of me is dying or is dead. I just want to be resusitated, resurrected.
*My soul's been ripped out of me, I have no will to live. It's been ripped out, sharded, stomped on, and then I'm requested to keep going all while having a pasted smile on my face.
*I'm not living, I'm just killing time. (I got this from Melissa.) I didn't understand this lyric fully until this past week. And now I'm truly wishing that I didn't get what it meant. Cuz that's been the summary of my life this week. I'm just going through the motions of class and basic college life.
*I'm finally getting my appetite back. Which is a miracle. I think it just came back yesterday, raging because I haven't exactly eaten a lot since the weekend. Huh. Munchies are good, especially if they're totally fattening and guilty-ridden foods that beckon for you and help to console you. Popcorn, cookies, fudge and pizza are all excellent hate-laden food.
And that's really just a slice of what life's been like for me lately. The trusted few that I've divulged know exactly what I'm talking about. For the rest of you who may be confused, I am so sorry, but I can't say anything really. I just have to stay mum and pray, beg, and hope for the best.
And PS: don't believe what my sister has said. She thinks my life may very well be over--she's SOOO exaggerating. Whatever happens, I know I'll be fine. Just keep me in your prayers. =/
I just want to say that all fairy tales must stop somewhere, but that the realization of this is a bigger slap in the face than when it really actually happens. I've had a couple slaps in the face in the past 48 hours, and they've stung. I mean--I knew they'd be coming, but I hadn't really prepared for them. Planning for the worst is a good idea and I commend people who do that, but at the same time it kind of feels like it's getting set in stone and that the worst WILL actually happen. And it can be kind of a good thing because it keeps you on your toes and keeps you grounded. But at the same time it totally sucks ass because I'm trying to keep a glimmer of hope alive, y'know?
Just keep me in your thoughts, please! *grin*
In a way this may be sort of a blessing in disguise, because I've been sooo much more appreciative of EVERYTHING lately. Let's take a look at the good in my life:
*My friends: they're completely, totally, fabulously supportive. I know I'll always have them, and I don't think I tell them how much I love them enough.
*(prepare for screaming and excitement here...) CHICAGO IS SHOWING HERE! CHICAGO IS SHOWING HEE-EERRRREE!!! Yeah, I'm quite excited. They're doing some kind of sneak peek thing here this weekend, so there's only a couple of times it'll be showing, but I DON'T CARE. I get to FINALLY see this blessed movie. Eeee! It was funny cuz I was looking on the theater site for other potential movies for Saturday night so the weekend wouldn't be a total bust for me and my girls. And I click. And I see "chicago sneak." And I blink. And blink harder. And make sure that I'm not hallucinating. And then I nearly kill myself darting to the phone to call Em to share the good news. AHHH!! We're going get tix early tomorrow to guarantee that we'll get to see it. Lalalala. I'm BEYOND geeked.
*Road trip. So it's not a real road trip, I'm just going to Munising with Christy, but we're in search of a famous (at least UP famous) restaurant, just so we can get away for a bit.
*TV. Oh god--I'm turning into the biggest couch potato, but I've gotten to see quality episodes of "Sister Sister", "Boy Meets World", SNL, and other random shows. PLUS I'm now officially addicted to American Idol. I don't understand how some of these people can possibly think that they're talented. A lot of them sound like dying cows or moose in heat. It's sad. It's actually like a UP Karaoke bar though, so I'm used to it. My one gripe about the show so far? What was UP with the last singer from Detroit--the boxer chick? Yeah I feel for her, but she wasn't talented. The show went from laugh-at-the-dying-dorks to sob-story-mini-documentary-about-boxer-woman. I didn't get that at all. I feel for her, but the show completely lost focus in the last 10 minutes. It was really dumb. And you KNOW she's gonna get her own show deal or something out of this. But other than that, I'm sooo hooked on the show. Lala
*Mail. I got GOOD mail yesterday. No bills or ucky bank statements or anything. Hurray! Good mail like a card (much love Amanda--you are truly and angel and great GREAT friend) and campus organinzations attempting to recruit me cuz I'm smart. hehe Yay for good mail!
K, I must go and do something constructive. I gotta figure out my bank balance, wash dishes or clean or something. Yeah....then I get to escape campus for a bit. HURRAH!!!
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: some ColdPlay song--it's on this mix cd that a resident made for me...I actually like it!
Crush du Jour: John Cusack, SG
Happy Thought of the Moment: fun NAE subcommittees, potential positions for next year (BRETT!!!), late night pizza, quality bonding time wiht friends, grill cheese, Chicago coming here (YAAAY!), escaping campus, Stitch, my friends, happy mail, popcorn, cute hair days, sugar rush, Cat Trax runs, my cute glasses, sleeping in, knowing I'll be alright, encouraging people, my great mentor, comforting mix cds