Warning: Under the Bridge makes me feel introspective.
I am so tired. I curse my sister for making me wake up before 7:30 so she can get her precious car windows tinted. Grr. What is that anyway? She spends so much money on her car--I think it's slightly disgusting. It's metal. It gets you from point A to point B. It's not meant to be ornamented and adored. Cars do not fascinate me. As long as Rexy does his job, I'm good to go. I don't need tinted windows or flashy rims or even a good stereo system. Although I do enjoy the Calvin and Hobbes decals in my back window. Those kick butt.
I've been so tired lately. And cold. And I'm scared because really those are the only things I feel like I've truly been feeling lately. Like I'm almost void of emotion other than sleep-deprived. And stressed. That's it. Stress rules my life. I feel the urge, the pressure to just dazzle everyone these last weeks so that I'm remembered in Hunt as a great person, a wonderful AP. I feel like I've hit a wall and that that won't happen, though. It sucks. It's almost like I've fucked myself over in a way. But I haven't because my SPS was good...or decent at least. I'm well-known in the hall and well-liked. Residents respond to me. I could do more programming, but it's hard when your programs aren't well attended and you don't feel like you're getting the support you need from the RA's.
Then there's the eternal question of what's going on for the summer. Lots of plans are in the works, but they could all just fall through. I don't want that. It's my last summer to have fun before venturing into the "real world" so I want to take advantage of that as much as possible. Cedar Point? Hell yeah. Madonna? I'm so there. (Floor seats baby! Just don't ask how much it cost. Gaah.) Dave Matthews in August? Hopefully I'll be the proud owner of tix by the end of the week. John Mayer in July? If there's a god, yes. I. Want. To. Have. Fun. I don't want to be fucked over. I'm so afraid that I'll just end up sitting in my apartment and working. And that's it. I know I'm too smart to let that happen, but I'm stressed because there's always that little nagging voice in the back of my head.
There's this mesh of negativity that's feeding away inside. I don't like it. I like being Mary-Fucking-Sunshine. It's who I am. I like that. All this other shit needs to be expelled, sent into the universe...something.
I want to feel, but I want to feel normal. A little negativity is good for the soul, but a lot will just morph a person into something totally different. The last thing I need is an identity crisis right now.
And then there's the whole NAE issue. I want to chair so. bad. The last time I wanted something this badly I ended up crying late into the night because of the bastards in Political Science. Suffice it to say, I don't want that to happen again. I know I can do this. I'm qualified. I want it. I have anxiety about the whole thing. My entire plan for next year is planned around being in a leadership position in NAE. Obviously, if I don't get it I'll adjust and move on. But...I don't necessarily want to do that. In a couple of days I'll know for sure (with elections and shiznit) but until then, I'm a bundle of nerves perched on a bed of nails.
Why can't I just be happy? I have amazing friends, a summer job, great (tentative) plans for the summer, classes are going well....there is really no reason to go all emo. Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired. Tired and sick equals a cranky KiKi.
Ciao dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: "Life Goes on" by Leann Rimes
Crush du Jour: Johnny Depp
Happy Thought of the Moment: seeing my mom, celebratory dinners, hugs, the MB ceremony, being "exclusive", waking up warm and comfy after a nap, cute shoes, my pink "lucky" lipgloss, spring (pleeease come fast), JM Milwaukee tix on sale tomorrow (front row! front row!), the color pink, breakfast with Pookie