I have decided (drumroll, please) that relationships are far too complicated.
Exhibit A: a snippet of a conversation with Ryan
Ryan: There are always so many variables
Ryan: The key is to find the variables that work in your algebraic equation
Me: congratulations you're a true dork--You factored math into relationships
Exhibit B: myself
I realize that I'm holding back. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to relationships.
What I can't figure out is if my standards are too high or if guys are just too retarded to think with the proper head.
Is it too much to ask to want a nice guy who wants more than a random makeout session? Have all guys morphed into horndogs who will go for the easy lay instead of a bit of a challenge? Or--gasp!--relationship?
As I grow older (I'm making myself sound like I'm 80, I know), I find myself becoming more disenchanted. I understand that people are lazy and will go for what's easiest. Girls are just as slutty and horny as guys. That, I'm not denying. It just seems like people are lazy and not willing to work at a real relationship, so instead they go for a one-time makeout session or an easy lay.
I'm not condoning or condemning this. It's just not. For. Me.
I want to be swept off my feet and charmed by a guy. I want us to be on the same page relationship-wise. I'm willing to work for a positive, amazing experience. The only question is...what guy is with me here?
And as I said--I'm my own worst enemy here. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm afraid. I want to have my heart broken, but I fear rejection. My esteem shouldn't depend on a guy, but sometimes it's shaky and admittedly it does; thus leading to me acting in unbold ways.
In a way, I'm afraid of being in a relationship. No--what I truly think is that maybe I don't deserve a good relationship. There's no real basis for this way of thinking beside the fact that I have never had a "real" relationship. It's a completely rediculous way of thinking, but sometimes even a princess feels like a frog.
I also realized that maybe I think I'm not "good enough" to be a girlfriend or be in a great relationship. Maybe this is why I have so many gay men friends--they're faux relationships that feed my ego. I adore them and I'm having the time of my life, but maybe--just maybe--they're masking a fear...
This sudden burst of insecurity is a little unsettling. But even in my most insecure of days, I still look in the mirror and think that I'm cute and fabulous. And I remember that I have fabulous friends and family.
Maybe my curse is that I see the big picture too much. Maybe I need to focus in more.
Who knows. All I know right now is that Howie Day's voice is making me so very sleepy.
I should apologize for this being an un-entertaining entry. Or yet another whiny boys-suck kind of entry. But I'm not because you all choose to read this. it's called a diary for a reason, bitch.
I kid. I mean, about the bitch part.
I enjoy introspection. Yay for that.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~