It doesn't seem like September 11th....lemme just say that. Maybe that's cuz I woke up about an hour ago and haven't turned on my tv (and I don't plan on turning it on either). I know that there's a lot of memorial type events going on around campus though, so once I step outside I know that first thought will change, I'm sure.
Sooo....to be totally off of that topic, can I just say that Eminem is absolutely talented? I used to completely hate his white-boy ass, but now, I LOVE him. K, so perhaps it has something to do with his newly found, drool-inducing buffness, but that's not the only reason! Really. I'm listening to the "Eminem Show" cd right now. It's one of the best investments I've made this year. It's up there with John Mayer in terms of favorites. It's in constant rotation on my stereo. It's just so good. I've always thought that he was utterly talented, but now I can truly appreciate it, because I can relate to a lot of stuff that he's talking about. Maybe that's just come with maturity.
In other news: Chaos errupted in my room last night. It was Hannah's bday yesterday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY HON! Mwah, I love ya lots!). So her and Christy were chilling in my room last night, chowing on pizza, girl-talking. Our topic of conversation for the night? Our vaginas. Prompted by the reading of The Vagina Monologues. Me and Hannah love the book, so Christy got curious and began reading it. Which turned into talk about what our vaginas would wear. Mine would wear diamond-studded stilletos, black leather pants, a red feather boa, and big dangly hoop earrings. (I am such the rockstar diva.)
So we were discussing these types of vagina-like things and some of my residents join me and jump right into the convo. It was awesome. Half a dozen girls talking about their vaginas? How empowering! =) Then guys started coming in my room. So we made them talk about their penises. Guys aren't shy to talk about their members either....shock of shockers. It was pretty funny. QUITE entertaining for a Tuesday night.
Then a drunk resident came in my room. He made camp on my couch for at least an hour. Christy and Hannah just about died laughing. It was sooo funny to them--they didn't have to listen to his drunken ramblings about the "greatest band on earth" JOURNEY. (They snuck out like 10 minutes after he came in--thanks girls. Much love to you.) Yeah....I now know a whooole lot more about Journey and Steve Perry than I needed to know. Luckily he was coherent enough to realize when I was kicking him out. It was entertaining. Really. I love my residents!
Sooo.....the dance with the inner demons continues. I made nice with Sam about his assanine immature, insensitive comments. I hate holding grudges. I think that they are just unhealthy and will eat at your soul. So I don't hold those. Now, dealing with my feelings about my family's history....that is a completely different story.
I seriously thought that I was alright. I thought I'd made peace with the fact that my dad used to be an alcoholic and that my mom was his punching bag whenever he drank. I understand that he doesn't know how to control his rage. I know that he now regrets all the stupid, shitty, dumb things he's done in the past. I know this. I see it whenever I see him and talk to him.
But those comments.......they made the past come back. To haunt me, if you wanna be cheesy and cliche. I know that all of the shit that went down happened long before I was even a consideration in their lives. But I don't think that that really helps me at all. These visions just keep jumping to the front of my mind, of my mom suffering because of my asshole dad. Graphic, horrific, terrifying. Stuff you'd think you'd only see in artsy-emotional movies or in cheesy-bad horror movies. Or stuff you hope to only see in those movies.
To think of how much my mom has went through......
Mind-blowing.
I love her so much more, the more I am forced to think about this. The more I'm forced to deal with this.
And it's funny, because it's not like it's even on my mind all the time. Just at really odd times. It'll just pop in my mind a random times a couple of times a day.
And then I feel guilty for having fun and for not thinking of it before. And guilty for not working through this, for not coming to terms with this yet.
But I have only really known about this stuff for a year. Which is not really too much time to come to terms, to peace, to rest with something of this size.
I need to jet. I need to start thinking in student mode, and not emotional-distraught daughter mode. (Maybe this is why I can push this to the back of my mind....)
I have poetry in like half an hour. Wheee. Please please please God don't let me have to read my poem to the class. Seriously--my poem is the only one that rhymes and is happy I swear! There's no way in fuck I'm reading it. AHHHH
Ciao, dahling!
Love, Krissy =)
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: Without Me by Eminem
Crush Du Jour: Mmm....Eminem's buffness *drooool*
Happy Thought of the Moment: Getting over my sickness (yay!), my kickass friends, my awesome staff, my hilarious residents, Sorority Life, NSync, Alan Cumming, Domino's pizza, being co-chair of Jamie Kennedy (things are going fabulously there!), having my homework done, figuring out my retarded printer, the cool breeze wafting through my window, fuzzy pillows, the condom and candy jar, retreats, skits, silly songs, being motivated, Eminem