I am not ok.
Do not be fooled by the fact that I'm immersing myself in classes and work and every-day activities. Do not think that just because I laugh or make jokes or am even able to talk about the situation from time to time that I am alright.
The reality is that I still cry hard a good two or three times a week regardless of if I'm alone or in public. And the fact remains that I am deeply damaged and still raw on many levels. And I am quickly realizing that his actions and behaviors have affected me and my expectations of others. I assume that guys will hurt me. I believe that they are all negative and insecure and they will manifest these things on me and through me and in me. I'm scared because I think that every one of them will act like him and be like him.
And it scares me so much that I can't breathe sometimes.
I thought I was getting better. But then a new element is introduced to my world and I break down and fall apart.
I want to believe in the good of people, of men, of anyone who can see that I am an amazing person. I want to trust and love and be in love with life and another person. I want to be back to who I was before my world was destroyed.
But I'm quickly realizing that that's not going to happen. At least not for a very long time. I am not ok. At least not right now.