So I took a test online today. These things are both addicting and bad. I get so easily distracted. And the results are usually fodder for thought.
Today's results:
Type 2--The Helper of the Enneagram
"Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive"
Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Basic Desire: To feel loved
The longer profile goes on to state that I'm sympathetic and a people-pleaser and how I feel this urge to be needed.
I think this is an interesting glimpse into my personality. (And I'm amused by the "basic desire to be loved and wanted" aspect--we ain't even gonna go there...)
This whole year I've been feeling a bit unlike myself. I wasn't too sure why, but today's test gave me a little more of a concrete idea of why I feel like I do.
Indeed, I do like to please people. I'm a nice girl; I rarely unleash my inner bitch. While this gets me many friends, there is a dark side to this. Lately people have been trying to persuade, dissuade and control me. My decisions no longer feel like my own, they feel like at least three people are making them for me. This goes for things as complex as NAE (which--duh--it's an organization, we're a team--it's definitely NOT about that) to something as simple as my afternoon schedule.
My time no longer feels like my own. It feels like I'm on a timeshare and I'm only holding 5% of the total time. Lately I've found that people are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do. I'm no longer me, I'm part of a we. Always.
While maybe I shouldn't complain about this because it means that I'm wanted/needed/ and have friends/a social life, that is certainly not the point. People lately aren't letting me in on the plans, I'm merely informed of what I'M supposed to be doing after things are written in stone.
And it's not even just my schedule. It's weightier than that. The schedule is just the first step. People also think that they can tell me what to do or how to act. Excuse me, I don't need a consultant for my life. I've lived it for twenty-two years and I haven't landed myself in jail yet, so I think I'm doing a decent job.
I don't want to be dominated. I don't need to be controlled. I certainly don't need another parental figure or five in my life. I am my own person and I live by my own standards. This goes for my schedule, my wardrobe, my decisions--my LIFE dammit.
I fear that people think that they can just treat me like shit and tell me what to do because I'm nice and because I've been slightly stressed lately. That isn't the case. Like i said--I didn't ask for help. If I needed help I have a few amazing friends that I can turn to to hold me up.
Until then, it's my life. Don't try to change that. If someone does, they will meet my inner bitch. And it won't be nice.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~