Storming [ June 19, 2009, 10:46 pm ]

The rain rumbling outside matches the inner turmoil I feel right now. The more I think about things the more I feel like I want to throw up my hands and surrender...or just throw up.

My move is less than a month away. Really, I could relocate in a matter of a couple of weeks. I am so excited about starting the new chapter in my life. However, the stress I am feeling about this move is beginning to be overwhelming. I have very little money to make this happen. I've saved as much as I can, yet I'm finding that moving trucks? They're way expensive. (Like, a thousand bucks expensive.) And that's without factoring in gas.

I have NO idea how I'm going to make this happen.

And frankly? I'm getting really scared.

All I want to do is move my shit. And it's not even like I have THAT much. Ok...so I have stuff. But I don't think it's an unfair expectation to want to move it up to Minnesota with me.

I want to start this new chapter in my life. I want it to start now. But I don't know how I'm getting from here up to that new start.

Adding to the stress is the fact that I would love to get a better car before I move. It's no secret that Rexy is on his last legs. My car has seen better days. It would be wonderful to sell it off (I'm thinking a junk yard, people, it's that bad) and put the money towards a down payment for a better vehicle. I know I deserve one. But I'm beating myself up because my credit is not so fabulous because of the drama from the past year. Bills didn't exactly come first when I felt like I was dying inside.

All of these things: the move, the credit issue, the desire for a new car, the stress of living on a very tight budget--has combined into a perfect storm of stress inside of me. Welcome to my life, where my stomach is in knots and I feel like I want to throw up when I think about everything. Part of me knows that it will work out, that God will provide and that things will work out for me. I know that they will. But it's hard to think about that when I'm so stressed. I'm hoping that by putting it all out there via my blog that it'll be a cathartic experience that will help me to rest a little easier.

The storm outside has gotten more rough. Thunder shakes the house and lightning pierces the sky sporadically. Inside, I feel the same, but I try to calm myself by repeating that this, too, shall pass and that God will provide and help me out. If only the knots in my stomach believed that right now.

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