Phase Out [ August 28, 2005, 8:27 pm ]

The music was pulsating; the crowd was throbbing; the masses were smiling. Yet some of the faces looked a little too familiar for comfort.

Last night was deemed Blast from the Past night by me. I saw far too many people I knew from my old high school. It was good to see some of them; we embraced, we laughed, we were happy to be reunited. Others just shook free memories that I didn't want to remember. What had more of an impact than anything, though, was how it hit me how many people from my hometown were in the Marquette area. It both stunned me and scared me.

One friend made a comment about how she was going to live in West Ishpeming for life. I had no response except to stare at her for an uncomfortable amount of time. I couldn't imagine that. At all. To me, that would be worse than being tickle tortured while being forced to listen to Fleetwood Mac. It's a fate worse than death.

To live nowhere but the UP is a horrifying thought to me. I adore this area, I truly do. But if this is as good as it's going to get for me, I may have to put myself out of my misery.

A lot of my family has only lived in the UP. A lot of people from my high school are hunkering down and starting families around the area. A lot of my mom's friends have only known the Keweenaw as their home.

I don't want to become one of those people.

Admittedly, the UP is comfortable. It's safe; it's what I know. It's where I was born and raised. But it isn't where I want to end up.

If everything went according to my (ever-changing, but still maintaining the same main idea) plan, I would see the world, live in a bunch of exciting and chaotic places and then land in the area where I left my heart. Right now that specific landing area would be London, but I can almost guarantee that that will change as I continue to grow.

My point is that I don't want what everyone expects--to be a good girl and stay in the area.

A couple of months ago I had a conversation with a couple of women. One is about five or six years older than me and has two adorable children. The other woman is in her mid-fourties and raised two now-grown-up boys. We somehow got onto the topic of traveling and I was regaling them with my tales of spring break. When I revealed that this trip made me crave traveling even more, they both laughed and looked at each other with a knowing glance.

woman 1: I wanted to travel the world, too. Then I graduated college and got married. And then along came the first kid.
me: *fights back urge to vomit*
woman 2: I had huge plans to travel after college. I got a great job and was all set. And then I met my husband.
me: *just threw up in my mouth a little*

After that conversation I can logically deduce that I'm good to go as long as I don't meet the man of my dreams. And with the luck I have with men, I can travel the world until I'm blue in the face. That isn't my main concern.

I don't want to get stuck. To end up in someplace and just stay because it's comfortable. Essentially, I don't want to just stay here. I feel like there's so much more for me to experience and I'm not seeing or doing any of it because I'm here. In the void that is the UP.

And it's not just being here. It's partially the state of mind that I'm in. I'm not depressed; I'm not melancholy; I'm not sad; I'm just...stuck. I'm frustrated with myself and the circumstances that I'm in at the moment. And I know that things will turn around and get better and that this is only a phase. But I wish I had the comfort of knowing the future right now. I'd wrap it around me like a blanket and sleep peacefully.

I made a decision about a week ago. I'm going to finish out 2005 in Marquette. I'll continue to apply for jobs around the country and hopefully find something. I'll keep my spark of hope alive. I'll spend as much time as possible with my friends and live it up while I'm here. Come the new year, though, if I haven't been offered a job, I'm going to pick up and move somewhere. Where, I'm not sure exactly, but the Green Bay/Appleton area and the Detroit area are both high on my list. I refuse to let myself be stuck in a rut. This is just a phase. And it'll harken the dawn of a newer phase soon enough.

Ciao, dahling!

~*Krissy*~

last - next

navigate
current
archives
profile
twitter
notes
host
design