A month ago today I broke it off. It was the easiest, yet the hardest decision of my life. And while I hate that this blog has become nothing but my outlet for mourning that period of my life, I miss him.
It really struck me today. Ironically enough, it hit me today because I am so excited about the new school year. School--one of the things that tore us apart--is now making me mourn the loss of the relationship. I really wanted to pick up the phone and share with him about my staff and about how excited I am to train them and watch them grow. I wanted him to share in my excitement and cheer me on. I wanted to relate a silly story and have him encourage me.
I wanted to hear his voice, his laugh. What I really wanted was to feel his arms wrapped around me, his mouth muzzling my neck, that feeling of security that came with him being next to me.
It takes every ounce of strength to not pick up my phone and call him. The other night a friend had to hold my hand while I hit the delete button on his name and number. But that doesn't stop the urge, the want, the yearning to connect with him.
He randomly texted me something silly earlier. Something nonsensical and unimportant that made me realize that he feels the same way. He's not ready to let go. The difference is that I have to. I have to let this go. There is no other option for me. I can't continue in this gray area, this pergatory.
If I want to move on, I need to let go. No matter how strong this urge is to hear his voice. No matter how many nights I may long to have him sleeping next to me. Because the loneliness will cease with time. But if I don't stay strong I will lose respect for myself. And that would be worse than any feeling I've felt in the past month.