All We Can Do is Keep Breathing [ June 03, 2007, 4:43 pm ]

Something that people (aka readers who haven't met me, not my friends--this isn't exactly earth-shattering news to them) may not know about me is that I freak out. A lot. While this isn't exactly a secret, it seems like it's been happening more than usual lately.

For example, I was recently informed that I've become "mean." I did not know this, I had no idea that I was turning into a Mean Girl. I don't feel mean. I don't feel vicious or jealous or villainous. Yet...in the year that I've been in Lansing, it's been observed that I am no longer the happy-happy-sunshine girl that I once was. This was news to me. And while I am now working on getting back to my old status (through rigorous excercises like watching the Disney Channel and eating comfort foods), I freaked out. Because I think I am a nice person. I don't want to be mean! How am I mean? And why?!? GAAAH!

Another example is because I, um, yelled at a resident yesterday. Granted, the resident accused me of hating her and wrecking her fridge (how, I don't know--I am not maintenance; I just write up appliance problems) and costing her hoards of money. When I informed her that her rent was late and she had to pay late fees she yelled at me. And I yelled back...kind of. Ok, so really I talked loudly and my voice got shaky like I was going to cry. Because really--I was going to. Because clearly, I am a professional, people. The real root of this example is that I am a whipping post for bitchy residents and mean people who enter my office on a daily basis. And I'm just fed up. And I don't know how to deal with it. Working has left me jaded. While there are many good things about my job, there are many not-so-good things, as well. And I don't quite know how to deal with the not-great things anymore. Thus, a freak out ensues.

Don't get me wrong: I'm still me. I'm just a far more neurotic and edgy version of me right now. Which maybe means that maybe I'm not quite myself rght now...

I got to talk to Emily last night for a loooong time. That felt good, that felt right. Perhaps because she knows me better than anyone else on the face of this planet. She reminded me of the dork that I am, the girl who laughs at randomly dumb things and spews stupid stories of her life. That's who I am, really. Not this girl who gets aggitated when she has to wait an extra minute for her Italian Soda or has to sit in traffic for a bit.

Perhaps I need to get back to the little things. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the big things like work and love. Maybe I'm just not focused on myself enough. Maybe I need more sleep. At this point I can't tell what the solution is. All I know is that a solution is needed. I have faith that it'll come and that I just need to have patience. But that seems to be in short supply when I'm so infamous for freaking out on a second's notice. Stupid Catch-22.

For the time being, I just keep reminding myself to breath and to live in the moment. It's a little thing that I know will make a big difference. And if I can remember that one little thing, maybe I'll start to remember the other little things and soon maybe things will be back to the way they should be.

Here's hoping.

Ciao, dahling!

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