I needed it. I was aching for it. My body was crying for it. So yesterday I finally caved and got myself a massage. Granted it was only a chair massage for half an hour, but it was the best half hour I've spend in a chair in a long time.
I immediately face-planted into the chair and sighed happily as the masseuse began working on me. However, she did not sound nearly as happy. "Relax your muscles--you're too tense." I'd oblige and concentrate on how good it felt to have a professional work on my aching shoulders and arms (where I hold ALL of my tension when I'm stressed). However, less than three minutes later she asked me once again to relax, citing too much tension to be able to help me otherwise. I immediately apologized and went limp yet again. I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was once again tense until the masseuse stopped the massage.
"I need you to relax for me please. Begin by opening and relaxing your jaw. Breathe deeply through the mouth and relax your muscles for me. Let go."
Let go. I wanted to smirk as I began deeply breathing through my mouth. It seems so easy for someone to tell another to let go. But how easy it is really to do that--either of the tension being held in my achy muscles or the negativity that continues to cling to my soul? It seems so much easier said than done.
I continued breathing deeply, per the masseuse's instructions. I focused on the air going in, the breath filling my core, recharging me. As I exhaled I thought of the negative energy in my life, the stress I no longer needed, the fears I didn't want to run my life. I pictured it being evicted with each exhale, the air leaving my core, my heart, me. Soon I was no longer aware that I was face-down in a massage chair. Instead I felt heady, light and floaty--the closest I've ever felt to being in a meditative state. I was aware that masseuse was working on the knots in my arms and shoulders but it didn't hurt. Instead it felt incredible, enlightening.
I continued with the deep breaths, barely aware of where I was. Suddenly a thought floated through my mind, clear and piercing. "You can trust him." It stayed there for what seemed like five minutes, unobtrustive but crisp in it's clarity and meaning. That thought was trailed by another one, equally as concise: "you deserve this." A small part of me wondered where these positive thoughts were coming from, but at my core I knew: it was my intuition. It was as piercing and clear in that moment of pure relaxation as it had been during that moment of terror two years earlier when I suddenly knew I had to leave my ex-boyfriend.
A final thought appeared in my conscience minutes before my session wrapped up. "You can let go. You're ready." I slowly opened my eyes a couple minutes later, a bit groggy but with my mind feeling clear and alert. The entire way back to my apartment I pondered the statements that had so clearly come to me during my massage. While I am a big believer in holistic care, this seemed a little far-out and New Age-y even for myself. Did that really happen? By the time I reached to open the door to my home, I knew my answer; I'd always known the answer. It has always been there.
I'm going through an interesting and exciting time in my life. I'm really falling for the man in my life. He's truly incredible. But while I'm enjoying my time with him, I'm battling with my emotions because of everything that happened to me two years ago. I find myself unable to really feel all of the positive emotions fully because I'm terrified of being damaged again. He has done nothing to make me think that he will do anything of the sort; I really think he'd done the opposite and I don't question his loyalty or feelings for one second. Rather, it's my history that's holding me back.
And what for? Why do I continue to hold onto the bad? It was a horrendous event and it changed how I viewed things, but I didn't let it shatter anything. My world didn't break--I ended up reinventing it for the better. Change was hard, but necessary. So why wouldn't it be the same with this new relationship? It's a change, but it could be a very good change. In my heart I know it's a very good change. I just need to let it happen. And I need to let go.
That's why the events that transpired yesterday were so profound. It took the act of me taking time for myself to realize that what I have is a good thing. But more than that, it's helped me to realize that I am capable of letting go--both of the tension in my muscles so that I can get a good, deep massage and of the negative that I've been holding onto unnecessarily. Good things come from letting go. It's not easy; it's a constant process. But the baby steps I took yesterday are a truly positive start.