Let Go... [ January 04, 2005, 1:00 am ]

This entry has been a long time in the making....

And while I don't want to really burn bridges or publicize indiscretions, I feel like I really need to utilize my outlets right now.

As time goes on, I've hoped that my feelings would subside. Fade. Go away. Whatever. But I've found that it's actually gotten stronger over break, which strikes me as odd. But maybe it's an indicator that this is a bigger issue that I initially thought.

I'm more than a little disgruntled. I'm disenchanted, jaded, pissed off, whatever one may call these negative feelings--I'm feelin' it.

It started off as a good friendship. I called her a close friend. I dared to call her one of my closest, best friends. Then somehow she convinced me that we'd make "great" roommates. She said that we'd have fun and if we had problems we could "resolve them; talk them out." I was hesitant, but was open to something new and fun-sounding.

All I got from this past semester was this negative feeling. I had no idea that one person could cause so much negativity and stir so much drama. For one who says she hates drama, it swirled around her--and me--constantly. I'm not alone in my jaded feeling--others have confided that they didn't realize she could be such an, um, bitch.

Neither did I, quite honestly. Part of me hates myself for not seeing it sooner. But I liked her as a friend...before this last semester at least. I was dazzled by her sense of humor and her zest for life. As months wore on though, I found that she was only passionate about herself and that her sense of humor was based on tearing others down. Attention must be on her all. the. time. If it wasn't she'd either withdraw or pout. Or both. When she joked around, it was always with the intent of tearing someone down or pointing out a flaw or five.

I didn't realize this until I invited her into my group of friends. Then the zinging began to be directed at me. I didn't realize it until my friends pointed it out. It continued behind my back after I told her that if she ever tried to defame me or tear me down that I'd hate her forever.

It continued. I'm now wondering if I should be true to my word.

I never did anything to deserve such shit from any one person, especially one I dared let in on my personal life and thoughts and feelings. Yes, I wasn't an angel: I'm messy and loud and out-spoken. I'm not going to pretend to be anyone I'm not. But while I'm all these things, I have friends who don't fuck with my mind or try to tear me down. I think I at least deserve that much.

Towards the end of the semester she began this pretending game. She never was good at saying how she felt--unless it was about trashy Nascar or how she loathed person A. She wouldn't say if something was wrong, but would sulk around and slam things and clean. God forbid I'd leave a plate on MY coffeetable. (It's not like she got company anyway--why be a neat-freak if we're not entertaining?) Anyways...she wouldn't say how she felt about anything important. How are relationships supposed to work if problems can't get talked about? I'm all about open communication. She definitely wasn't. Towards the end, the "pretending" game started where she'd either ignore me or pretend that I didn't exist. By the time finals week rolled around, I was sick of it.

It all cumulated in the middle of that week with me screaming at her. I was sick of feeling invalidated and hurt and I let her know. She showed no reaction. I guess when you don't have a soul, that's easy to do. Things were edgy after that, but I started the "pretending" game as well until she moved out.

Yes, I feel bad for not throwing her a graduation party or even truly bidding her adieu. But from what I gather, apparently she doesn't care about me as much as I cared for her. Like I said, she was a best friend. And the relationship disintegrated to nothing by the end. It's sad that it ended like that and I regret that fact.

At the same time, all I'm left with is that feeling of negative-ness I mentioned at the beginning. I'm hurt that she hated me so much that she felt the urge to tear me down every chance she got. I'm also sad that she feels so insecure about herself that she felt like she needed to talk about people and constantly bask in the spotlight.

I realize that I'm setting myself up for drama and more drama by saying this. But I needed to do this as part of my letting go. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've talked to people. This is what will truly help me to release. Maybe I want her to see this. Maybe she will. Who knows. This is for me, not anyone else. If you read it and understand where I'm coming from, thanks. If you're angry after reading this, fine. But maybe there's a reason for it.

I'm hurt, as I said. I'm jaded. But I'll get over it. This is my process of letting go and of growing. I'll heal. But will she ever wake up and realize that the universe doesn't revolve around her mood swings and constant need for attention?

Ciao, dahling!

~*Krissy*~

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