I knew it was coming. Call it intuition, but I just knew. I feared it, I didn't want it to happen...yet somehow, I knew.
Granted, we'd only been dating a month. That didn't make it hurt any less, though. I liked him. A lot. I loved the time that we spent together. And I loved the way that he made me feel...cheesy and cliche as that sounds.
I'd forgotten what it's like to have a crush. To really fall for someone. It had been a long time. Perhaps that's why I liked him so much. Maybe it was a mixture of a crush and the fact that I wanted to just revel in it as much as possible.
And it felt good. I was giddy. I had that stupid grin--the kind that nobody or no thing can wipe from my face.
I liked thinking about somebody else. It was kind of like a vacation from myself, in a sense. If he was stressed, I wanted to make him relaxed. If he was sad, I wanted to make him happy. I liked caring about someone besides myself. I liked being able to say "the guy I'm dating..." I loved how I got shivers when I saw him or when I held hands with him. I'm going to miss that. And the cuddling.
It felt good to be wanted.
It's no secret that I'm not a pro when it comes to relationships and quasi-relationships. This is the closest that I've come to one. While part of me is grateful for the experience, another part hates it because now I know what I'm missing out on: the looks, the cuddling, the laughing and dorking out, the closeness. And it breaks my heart that I don't have that now.
After he told me that he didn't want to continue to see me, I panicked and thought what if this is it? What if nobody ever wants me again? It spiraled from there into incoherent sobbing and destructive thought. While I understand that these things happen all the time, this is a tiny tragedy for me. For a moment, I understood why people act like they do when they have feelings for someone. The sappy poetry made sense, the romantic comedies held a shard of truth for me to relate to. I've never been the type of girl to be validated by a guy and I never want to be that kind of person, but it felt good to have someone, even if it was just a momentary thing.
I haven't cried since Sunday night, which is a good thing. And I haven't thought of anything negative (like calling him names or entertaining thoughts of tp-ing his car). It still hurts a bit. And it will for a little while because I'll admit that I fell hard and fast. It's who I am, it's what this girl does. I'm not going to make any apologies or excuses. Instead I'll just try to move on and adhere to my philosophy of living, learning and (still) loving.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~