Ending and Beginning [ November 17, 2008, 11:32 pm ]

It's over.

It's actually over.

I went to the courthouse today expecting to see a jury selection, only anticipating another step in what seemed to be an increasingly long process towards a resolution--and for me, an end to this chapter of my life. Instead I found myself watching the man I used to love admit that he was guilty of attacking me in front of stern judge and several lawyers and court attendants.

I heard him admit that yes, he attacked me. That there was an argument that ended with him hitting me. That he knew his rights and that he had discussed the case and possible outcomes with his lawyer and that, yes, he was guilty of the charge of domestic assault against me.

I slowly felt the weight melt away from my shoulders. I felt lighter, freer as he said he was guilty. My friend hugged me as we watched his plea. Then the judge looked to me. "Do you wish to make an impact statement?"

I didn't know what I would say. I didn't have anything prepared. My mind swam as I looked at my ex-love and remembered the pain, the hurt and the frustration of the past four months. But if I didn't speak now, when would I ever be heard? Did that fact outweigh my emotions and dizziness at the moment? I didn't realize that I had said yes, I wanted to make a statement until I was standing and heading to the podium, swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but that.

The judge smiled at me, patience playing on her face. I knew instantly I had an ally. "Tell me anything you like--what happened, how you feel, what you think his sentence should be."

I spoke in a voice that seemed unrecognizable to me. It sounded foreign, almost too calm and confident to be my own. I felt as if I was on auto-pilot. That this was my moment and all I needed was the proper prompting in order to capture it.

I recounted the attack to her, how it only lasted a few minutes, but lives on in my mind. That the physical injuries were minimal, but that the emotional and mental toll this has taken on me is nearly insurmountable. "I don't know if I can ever trust again. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through."

After I finished, he stood to receive his sentencing. He was asked if he needed to contact me for any reason. His response was that he only needed to get his things from me--some clothing and laptop. He said that it wasn't that important, it didn't have to be resolved right away. The judge looked at him sternly. "No no--this will be handled right now. It will be resolved as soon as possible. This girl needs closure. You two are done, so you just need to be done."

With those necessary words, the judge closed a long and harsh chapter in my life. For over four months I have been aching and praying and searching, wanting to heal. With this episode behind me I finally have the closure that I need. I didn't think that hearing the plea would affect me so much, but it was exactly what I needed in order to truly begin the healing process.

And, thus, a new chapter in my life can finally be written.

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