I said I would cry when I found out the results. I just didn't know if they'd be tears of joy and relief or sobs of frustration and sadness.
A month ago I took my certifying exam. This is the holy grail of the Student Affairs program, necessary to graduate and earn the actual Masters Degree. And so, of course, it was the one thing about the program that I didn't like. It's 36 hours of hell, filled with frantic writing, editing and getting APA citations down while synthesizing materials from 7 core classes. It's freakin' intense.
I was prepared for the 36 hours of hell. What I wasn't prepared for was the months of hell before and after the exam. The month before--during Christmas vacation--was spent sticky-noting my books, writing down quotes and refreshing my memory about class stuff from the past year and a half. (There was also a fair amount of bitching with classmates done while we "studied", too.) The month after I submitted my two six-page essays was spent with my stomach in knots wondering if I had passed, if what I wrote was sufficient. Needless to say, there was at least one night of heavy drinking involved. I blame the stress.
I don't do well under pressure. I cave, I cry, I want to hide under blankets. I second-guess myself and my abilities. I self-destruct and I tear myself down. And because I am a glutton for punishment I talked to classmates about their exams and sunk further because I thought that what I turned in was a sure-fire fail on all levels. Welcome to my life, people.
So when I found out that today, February 16, 2009, I would find out the fate of my future, my stomach convulsed and went into a perma-knot position. (Not helped, I'm sure, by pints of hard cider and Dirty Girl Scout shots.) Did I want to know? Would I fail? I basically resigned myself to the fact that I had failed once I clicked "submit" because that way if I did fail at least I wouldn't be disappointed.
So when the email popped up from my advisor at approximately 1 todayI reminded myself that the worst I could do was take the exam over and I was expecting that. I said a quick prayer and told myself to just open the fucking thing. I held my breath as I read it. And I let out a scream then immediately started crying.
I'm getting my Masters Degree. I have "passed on all levels" and "completed an important step towards obtaining my degree."
Oh. My. God. This actually happened. I passed! I am going to graduate! Soon I will be able to put "MA" after my name like a pretentious snob! The weight that has been lifted off of me is second only to the relief I felt after the trial. I have worked so hard for this. And I have just been validated. I can breathe easier now and send out cover letters secure in the fact that that I am graduating in May. That is so worth the months of stress and studying.