"What have you learned about yourself these past seven weeks?"
The question hung heavy in the conference room; a lingering question that none of my classmates could quite answer.
Seven weeks ago I began the Student Affairs program. Seven weeks ago I began a journey that I've been longing to embark on for a long time. Seven weeks ago seems like an eternity ago.
And as self-reflective as even I am, I couldn't quite give an answer to my teacher's question. I know that I'm not the same person that I was when I began school in August, but at the same time I'm not so unrecognizable that you wouldn't know it was me on the phone or across the bar. It's a contradiction, but a lot of what I've learned in and out of class has been that way.
So what have I learned about myself? The answers that tumble around my mind aren't classroom appropriate, but they speak volumes about the way I am as of this moment.
I can survive on four hours of restless sleep. I can bullshit my way through a paper and get a decent grade, but that doesn't mean that I'll feel fulfilled by that grade. More people care about me than I've ever realized and that realization moves me to tears every time I think about it. I'm more prone to crying than ever before, but that's not a bad thing because I know now that it's more of a cathartic process of expression than a way to convey that I'm sad (I'm only actually sad about 15% of the time when I cry nowadays). I'm stronger than I've ever realized. My friendships mean more to me now than they ever have because I don't have a lot of time, but the twenty minutes conversations feel more delicious because of that fact. I can be an organized person even though my chaotic side cries because of this fact. Writing is my escape and it hurts me that I don't do it often enough due to the fact that paper writing kills my creative side and any free time I may have. And? Free time is better than chocolate/money/sex/thunderstorms/liquor (or pretty much anything people find pleasurable) now.
I recognize that I'm still in a transition. I know I'm still learning about myself. I know I'm bound to fuck up. I know I'm bound to bounce back. The funny thing is? I look forward to all of these things. And that's why I know that despite the late nights, the excessive stress, the moments where I question everything--despite all of this I know that this is where I belong right now.
Ciao, dahling!