Slip Up [ February 20, 2008, 10:13 pm ]

I'm at the point in the semester where I am ready to throw in my towel and put my knee to the ground and insert all other sports cliches here and just give up.

I've been told/comforted/assured by my classmates and the second years that this feeling is completely normal. That everyone feels like this.

If this is true then why do I feel like I'm the only one radiating my feelings? There are bags under my eyes. My skin is dull. My hair doesn't concede defeat unless I weild the flat iron...and even then it doesn't do what I would like it to do. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. And it's mostly the program I'm in, but it's also the job and The Boy and myself and....everything.

I feel overwhelmed. But worse than that I feel unappreciated in every aspect of my life. While I know I've let older friendships slide it would be nice to know that I'm still thought of and appreciated. (I would vault into an apology here, but I'm already feeling shoddy, so I don't want to feel worse. But know that if you're my friend, I love you and I'm thinking of you.)

Besides that, my brain is flatlining. I crammed an intense eight chapters of assessment theory (read: it's even more boring than it sounds--trust me) into a night and a half, only to get to class today to bomb a pop quiz. The assessment material just isn't clicking like my other classes have. While I don't consider myself to be some sort of super-genius, I do pride myself on figuring out material and understanding concepts. But it's just not coming with this class. I know I'm not alone (I've consulted with my classmates) but it's highly frustrating.

But it's more than that. I give my all in my job. I challenge myself to grow and learn and figure out ways to help my staff learn. And I appreciate them. And my boss. And my residents. And the job. And yet it feels like I am not appreciated at all. And I don't know if it's the institution I work for, the department I work for or the job I'm in. Or if it's my field. Because if it's my field then dear sweet Baby Jesus, please get me the hell out of here. And perhaps that is maybe why I'm feeling so low. Maybe, just maybe I'm afraid that this is what I'm signing up for for the rest of my life: a career where there is no appreciation bestowed upon those who work their asses off.

It's not like I want people to worship me for helping others. I don't need rose petals thrown in my path or Hallmark cards showered upon me (although both of those things sound divine). A sincere thank you would be sufficient.

I'm just feeling drained. I am in dire need of a vacation. Thankfully, I escape the campus and the job for four glorious days to visit Joe in the Windy City where we will do nothing but sing showtunes and cavort around the city while being fabulous. It'll be soul-soothing, it'll be necessary and it'll be...appreciated. Because while I may not be getting the accolades that I deserve, this moment in my life has taught me to be truly thankful for what I have.

Ciao, dahling!

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