Raw [ October 28, 2008, 12:14 am ]

"I want to be as much a part of this as possible." I said it with as much resolution as I could muster, though I wasn't entirely sure what exactly that entailed.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. I don't hear that too much from women so I'm glad that you are willing to be a part of your court case." The liaison on the other end of the phone sounded happy to hear that I wanted to be at my pre-trial hearings. I'm glad one of us was happy, because the other is just feeling a little emotionally scarred right now.

The pre-trial conference is scheduled for 10 a.m. tomorrow, Tuesday, morning. The docket is set, the time and date are confirmed, my friends have agreed to accompany me and I'm fairly certain of what I'll be wearing when I see him for the first time since he hit me. But while all those details are in place it doesn't stop me from feeling like an emotional wreck. The enormity of what's about to take place suddenly hit me this past weekend and today has been spent either sobbing uncontrollably to people I trust or forcing my tears back because I didn't want to cry at an inopportune moment and smear my makeup. It's like my brain and heart finally and suddenly realized that hi! This is a Big Deal and this Big Deal is validated by the fact that there's a court case with a judge and lawyers and testimonies.

And truthfully I don't know that I can handle that.

It doesn't seem fair that this is all happening to me. I still don't understand why I'm in so much pain when all I did was love him. It doesn't make sense that I'm the one with deep emotional scars that are still very fresh in many ways when all I wanted was a happily ever after. And while it feels good that this is going to court and I don't regret that choice for one second, I am not looking forward to reliving that moment where he lunged at me or recalling the horrific things he said to me as he hurt me. And I am scared about seeing him for the first time since he did those things. I'm worried about how I will react and what I might do or say and how he will react or do or try to say. And I'm severely worried that I might look at him and be struck by the realization that there is still love there, which is the last thing that I want to realize. And I worry that I won't be able to stop crying much like I can't stop crying now.

And I know this pain won't last forever. Hopefully one day I will look back and appreciate what this did to help me. And I know that the trial is only a temporary and necessary stop in my journey. But my god, it hurts so damn much right now. Every emotion is raw and exposed and tomorrow it will be on record for all to see, whether that is a good or a bad thing. But I know this is necessary; this is something I have to do. To do anything less would be unacceptable in my mind and so I will feel every emotion and let the mascara streak and face him. And I will let that son of a bitch know what he's done to me. And then I will move on.

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