Could my life be any more fabulous at this moment? (Watch now that I've said that I'll get smacked by a semi or something equally awful. That isn't gonna stop me from being all beamy though.) Today I was offered a job! Woo! A job! Money! Though it's only part-time and not career-centric in the least bit, I'm pumped. Because it's a job! No more being broke! Because it's with a corporation, I don't want to reveal where I work; I don't need to lose this job over my big mouth. So I'll call my company S-Mart. (And if you get that reference, I'll love you forever.)
Krissy--newest S-Mart employee.
In order to actually get the job, I was instructed to take a drug test. This isn't a problem since the only drug I'm addicted to is caffeine. Besides--can you imagine me on drugs? Seriously. While it'd be quite the entertaining affair, I don't think I need chemical substances to alter my mood. (Besides, I'm kind of on an addicting/giddy high right now that I'm pretty sure no drug could ever duplicate.)
I was told the name of the Medical Center and sent on my merry little way. When I was told where the place was I kept saying "oh yeah, I know where it is! Uh-huh! Yeah!" Because I did. I thought.
Except that I didn't. Or rather--the name of the Center was changed and clearly S-Mart didn't get that memo. So I drove around the anals of Ishpeming for twenty minutes looking for this place that had apparently disappeared. I first pulled into a walk-in clinic where I thought I was supposed to go. I talked myself out of it though because I saw lots of old people outside the parking lot and mistook it for a Center for Old People. And then drove around. And around. And wasted gas. Finally I went back to the place I'd been to see if they could help me find the Center. When I asked the receptionist, she laughed at me. "You're in the right place, deary." Well great.
I went into the back and the nurse debriefed me on what would happen. I'd take the cup and pee in it. Basic, easy, routine.
Nothing is every basic, easy or routine with me.
I've been dehydrated for the past couple of days. I blame the unseasonably hot weather. And rampant emotions. And life in general. Whatever the reason, I've been thirsty all the time--no matter how much water or liquid I drink. Dehydration does not make for an easy drug test, people.
I go into the bathroom with the little cuppy thing. I sit. And wait. And wait. Nothing. At all. I actually laughed at myself because this never happens. I'm the girl that my friends have to pull over for while road tripping because of my hilariously tiny bladder. I'm the one that has actually wet her pants from laughing too hard. Pissing in a cup should be the easiest thing in the world for me. Yet...it wasn't. Welcome to my life.
After about five minutes the nurse knocked on the door. "I think I have performance anxiety!!!" I wailed. She sent me to the water fountain with strict instruction to down three to four huge glasses of water. I did her one better and literally shot five glasses. Haha! I thought. THIS will solve my bladder's issues! Hahaha! Ha! I was so clever.
I walked confidently back to the bathroom. I was hopeful. I was poised. I was ready. Bring on the pee! I thought gleefully. Seven minutes later I had nothing. I tried jumping up and down. I tried singing a little song. I tried bargaining with my bladder. I would have run the water, but it's not allowed while a drug test is being administerred as a precaution of sorts.
The knock came again. This time I wasn't laughing. And the nurse didn't seem so impressed. She sent me out for lunch with instructions to come back in an hour.
Sweet Jesus, I'm going to fail a drug test because I CAN'T PEE. If there was ever a time I felt like a loser it was then, at that moment. Hi, my name is Krissy. I can't pee.
I downed a can of Mello Yello and went to the mall. I figured that since my bladder was depressed I'd surround myself with shiny things to make it--and me--feel better. As I was driving there, something hit me. Not me, exactly. But my bladder. Suddenly...I had to pee. BAD. And I couldn't! Not for an hour! Life can be so cruel.
I walked like a duck while going through the mall in order to take my mind off my incessant urge to wet myself. My legs were squeezed together the entire car ride back to the Center. And I nearly knocked the nurse over in my attempt to grab the cup.
The third time really is the charm. And how happy the relief of that charm is.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~