I hate that I don't write in here as much as I used to. When I began this blog seven-ish years ago (holy GOD it's been that long?!?) I would update obsessively, even though my life was NOT that interesting. And through the years I'm not sure that my life has necessarily gotten any more interesting than it was when I was a green little girl at NMU, but I think my perspective has shifted and I'd like to think that I've grown as a writer. And I like that this is kind of a breathing document of my life from undergrad on.
And so my life continues.
I wish I had interesting stuff to write about. I made a vow long ago to never write explicitly about work and unfortunately that consumes my life right now. I will say this: I love my job. I can't quite explain what's happening to me here, but the shift that I began feeling in my second year at MSU has continued and grown since I've arrived here. I feel as though I'm on an expedition to truly finding myself and learning about who the true me is. And that's not to say that I haven't been the true me for the past 27 years, but I think I'm realizing that some changes may need to be made. And that could be difficult. I always strive to be a genuine person, but being a part of this community where I truly feel empowered as a professional for the first time in my life has challenged me to look inward and figure out what's working and what's not in my personal life as well.
I feel myself becoming less extroverted than I used to be. And more introspective. I value my alone-time more. I'm learning to just be with myself and be ok with that. And it's no easy task. The thing that worries me, however, is that I'm not making the effort to truly stay connected with the people I hold close. And I can only partially blame that on work. Because while it's life-consuming, it's not entirely life-consuming...if that makes any sense. Instead I find myself slightly fearful to talk to some people and I'm not quite sure why. It's not that I'm not happy here; on the contrary I feel more content than I've been in a long time. I think I'm just in a cocooning stage right now where I need to do things for me--though I'm well-aware that I don't want to lose those connections that remind me of who I was and am at my core. It's a battle and I'm not sure if I'm on the winning end of it or not.
Like my writing, I'm in the process of growing. And sometimes that means disconnecting from things like the blog for a month or so and severing ties with people for a little while or indefinitely. While this doesn't make me happy, it sometimes feels necessary. I'm not sure where my journey is taking me at the moment and I wish I could be more succinct and confident in what was going on. But like the school I work for, there are many shades of gray in my life. And for the first time ever I think I'm ok with that.
...as long as eventually a technicolor butterfly emerges from this cocoon stage.