Some days I feel like I'm not totally myself. For the past few weeks I've been tearing up, if not bawling uncontrollably for little to no reason. I feel like I've been going out of my mind and today I described myself as "batshit crazy" to one of my closest friends. Last week I was absolutely convinced that my boyfriend was about to break up with me, though I had no grounds for that other than me being inside of my brain and overthinking things. And I spent a lot of time yesterday sobbing for no real reason. I've also discovered the reason for taking a "personal day" as I absolutely needed to do that last week as I couldn't go twenty minutes without tearing up.
This? Isn't me.
I am an emotional creature, for sure. I tear up at random scenes during Glee and I sob sometimes when journaling about my feelings. That's normal for me. What isn't normal is all of the stuff that I've described above. I chalked it up to me really struggling to figure out how to love again after a horrendous relationship. And I came to the conclusion that I don't want fear to run my life--yet I truly feel like it is. I feel anxious, weepy and at times depressed. This isn't me.
I was getting ready to head to the pharmacist today when my phone rang. It was a good friend from grad school who I'd called yesterday during my sob-filled (for no reason!) day. I decided I'd rather chat with him than run to the store to fill my birth control prescription, fully knowing that the pharmacy may be closed by the time I was done talking to him. I didn't care--friends take priority. Talking takes priority.
As I talked with him about everything I was feeling, he asked me why I was feeling this way--besides the obvious reason that I was on the path to healing and this is a very new thing and a very good reason to be scared. What I said frustrated me was that I've never been this neurotic or paranoid EVER before. As I was reflecting on these things with him, it occurred to me that I didn't feel like this at all last month--it began this month. What else happened this month? I began taking birth control. My friend and I theorized that maybe this played a role in my now-daily helping of Crazy Flakes.
After I got off the phone with him I began Googling information about my pill and emotional side effects. And guess what I found out? My pill has made many a woman feel like they're eating big bowls of Crazy Flakes every day. The terms "depression", "anxiety", "not in controle of my emotions", "roller coaster of emotions", "not feeling like myself" and "mood swings during the third week of my cycle" came up frequently. While some boards had women extolling the wonder of the pill I was on, many more posts condemned my medicine, saying that it turned them from normal, functioning, happy women into depressed, seemingly psychotic monsters--some of whom had to go on antidepressants and seek out professional help in order to cope.
I? Do not want this to be me. I don't want my emotions to overrun my life. I don't want to cry on a daily basis. I don't want my boyfriend to be afraid to talk to me because he thinks I'll cry--that's been the case more than once this month. That's not right! I know this! I don't want to tear up randomly--like I am now! Ack!
I don't think it's a coincidence that my friend called right before I was about to go and refill my prescription. I don't think it's a coincidence that I had this realization right as the pharmacy was closing today. I think think that the timing is a bit serendipitous for me, as I spent a couple of hours researching this topic tonight instead of renewing my prescription. Instead of running errands and grabbing my pills tomorrow, I'm going to hold off until I can talk to my doctor this coming week. I cannot knowingly injest this drug knowing that it turns me from a happy, loving, balance woman into a teary-eyed, emotional crazy who can't control how she expresses her emotions. I just can't. It's not just for me. It's for my sanity and the sake of my boyfriend. We both deserve so much better than that. We both deserve for me to be the best version of myself. And Lord knows that hasn't been me lately.
A sidenote: I realize that the emotionl rollercoaster I've been on may not be entirely the fault of my birth control. I've been through a lot and I am truly in the middle of redefining love and rediscovering who I am in a relationship, especially after being in a horrendous one over two years ago. The healing continues. But I know that while some emotions are normal, I shouldn't feel like I'm not in control. I'm hoping that this is the solution; it's the only factor I can think of that's changed in the past month. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And hopefully the Kleenex at bay...