Ryan: I'm just looking for a nice, sweet, non-slutty guy in this town.
Me:You, too? Good luck because I'm looking for the same thing.
Ry:How are you looking? Because all the nice, sweet, non-slutty guys I see are straight.
Me:Well then give them my phone number because at this point, I'm willing to be blindly set up, love.
Ry: Seriously? Because I would...
This conversation took place between Ryan and I tonight. I told Ryan that his search is like looking for the Holy Grail because 99.999% of the gay men in this town are slutty. But I, too, feel like I'm on the hunt for a purple unicorn or something else equally impossible to find.
I was telling some of my friends this weekend that I'm falling into semi-despair because I feel like there isn't a single decent guy in the Marquette area. "All I want is a nice guy who gets me and wants to make out. Lots. Is that too much to ask?"
Everytime I said that I got the same response: "It is in Marquette."
Well, now, that's something I want to hear when I'm starting a new chapter of my life in the area.
And, yes, I realize that this area isn't exactly a boy buffet. But I refuse to believe that there aren't any great guys around. Because, at least statistically and logically speaking, there should be at least a few. That aren't gay and aren't taken, that is. I must keep the hope alive that there's a boy around here that wants to date me.
But if I do keep this hope alive, and I do turn out to be right in the fact that there are great guys around (which there HAVE to be, otherwise I may as well live in Siberia with penguins), then something else must be wrong. And I know what that something might possibly be.
Me.
And I don't mean me in the sense that I think I'm hideous or unlovable or completely grotesque. On the contrary, I think that I rock. (As my friend Amanda said today, "we have to think we're goddesses, otherwise nobody else will believe it.") What I mean is that something within me might just be holding me back from truly pursuing anything.
I fear rejection. It's one of my biggest fears. Hell, it is my biggest fear--at least intangibly speaking. (My biggest concrete fear is spiders, but that's a whole other subject.) I won't make the first move. Partially because I don't think that a guy would be interested, but mostly because I hate to hear that one small word: no. It's been that way all of my life. I heard no so many times while growing up that I just got used to it. It never stung any less as I got older, but I grew used to it until I learned that I have to answer my own questions. But the sting is still there. My perfectionist nature still hates to feel rejection. It still stings. So why would I put myself through it purposely.
And I realize that I'm a contradiction because I always say that I want to fall in love and I want to have my heart broken and I want to be on the roller coaster that is love. But that will never happen if I don't grow a spine and just do something for myself. I need to just learn to shut up and take risks.
Maybe I just need a push in the right direction. Maybe I just need to stop searching for the purple unicorn and focus on me. Then maybe I'll get everything I want.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~