"I'm doing a reading at a wedding this weekend. I have to talk about love and commitment and God and I don't know if I believe in any of those things right now."
I said that jokingly to a friend earlier tonight, but as I think about it, I think it's achingly true. With all that I've been through in the past two weeks, it's hard to believe in those three ideals and ideas when everywhere I turn I'm reminded of the hell I'm in.
And I'm getting better. I know I am. Each day, each moment it's a little easier to handle, to accept, to heal. However, I keep seeing these reminders of what I don't have. The cute couple strolling down the street downtown hand in hand. The Monica-Chandler engagement episode of Friends. Pictures of weddings posted gleefully on Facebook as friend after friend gets married.
Earlier today I got teary-eyed looking at one such photo album, but not because of photos of the bride and groom. Rather, I saw a picture of a former classmate, looking brilliantly happy next to her boyfrien. At that moment I was hit by the sudden realization that I used to have that, but that I don't anymore and I have nobody to share my friend's wedding with this coming weekend.
And I am so happy for my friend. She is an amazing person and a close friend and I love her with all my heart. And I believe that her marriage will be filled with love and happiness and that it will be a joyous journey for the couple. But I honestly do not know how I will cope with it. I RSVP'd before the breakup. I agreed to do the reading because I am honored and flattered to be a part of my friend's special day. And I want to do my best and give them this gift.
But I don't know how I am going to get through this. Will it just be another reminder of how alone I am? Will it send me into fits of tears? Will I end up bawling while doing the reading?
I saw another picture of a friend on his wedding day. It was a closeup of him and his bride, heads together, sharing a blissful moment during the ceremony. It was a stunning and beautiful portrait that serves as a testiment to their love. It's simply beautiful. And it breaks my heart. It breaks it because I don't have that. And because I long for it. I had that! I want that again. I want things as they used to be--when we were happy. The picture might as well have been the picture snapped of The Boy and I on a vacation we took last year when we looked that happy, that blissful with the little world we'd created.
At the same time, it's good to have these reminders. It's good to see that love does blossom for others, even though it wilted in my world. It will be wonderful to share in my friend's happiness this weekend because I know she's happy and that she's found that love and happiness and I'm so happy for her. It will just take a while for me to go looking for love and commitment again. Because I'm still aching in so many ways. And because something as simple as a picture reminds me that this is not a fast journey to healing, but a long, potholed path back to myself and my beliefs and ideals.