Learning to Love [ September 04, 2008, 2:38 pm ]

"I love him and I want to spend my life with him."

"You think that now. But wait--he'll fuck up and somewhere along the way you won't feel like that anymore."

I shook my head adamently at my friend, not believing what she was saying and fully convinced of the emotions that had washed over me. "No. You're wrong. I love him. This is it for me. And if it turns out that things don't work out in my favor then--"

"Then you'll have a broken heart but it'll be ok because then you'll learn and you'll heal and you'll love deeper and stronger the next time around." She threw her head back and laughed like it was some sort of joke. But she know that was exactly how I felt. And what the hell is wrong with that? Isn't that the point of life? To live, to love, to learn and to persevere if things don't work out? I couldn't believe how rude and hurtful she was being.

That talk happened over a year ago. It still hurts today to think about it on a couple of different levels. For one, here was one of my alleged best friends mocking me and my beliefs and feelings. On another, she was right. He did fuck up and in the biggest way. Perhaps it's a woman's intuition. Or premonition. Maybe she knew something that I didn't or saw something I couldn't.

A few weeks ago I heard something that has stuck with me. That the first loves feels the best but hurts the worst. Ain't that the truth. It encompasses everything--not just the world of hurt I'm navigating myself around right now, but what I felt at the beginning, what I felt when I said with conviction to my friend.

And it sucks that things turned out the way they did. There's not a day I don't think about how hurt I am or how badly he betrayed me. The wounds are still there, but not as deep as before, thankfully. I'm healing and I'm learning as I go.

And from this I will take so much: a deeper and better understanding of myself, a different view of the world that isn't so rose-colored but isn't villainized either, the understanding that time is necessary to heal, a newfound compassion for women the world over. But another thing I will take from this is that I will be fine, I will remain strong, I will learn. And from that I will learn to love deeper and stronger. I'm fully convinced of that. And if others don't understand that then those are the ones who will not get any of my new-found love and compassion. Because there's just not room for that in my new life.

last - next

navigate
current
archives
profile
twitter
notes
host
design