There's so many emotions and thoughts coursing through my body and mind right now. I don't even know where to begin.
All I know is that none of them are good. I hurt, I feel defeated.
(And it REALLY doesn't help that my fucking space bar isn't being cooperative. Grr.)
I didn't get the Washington Center internship. I found out through an email, which was very hurtful and bastard-like. I was at least expecting a phone call about it, so I could hear the whole "you were a great candidate, don't give up hope, blah blah blah." But no--I was randomly checking my email and got the news.
Part of me is thinking that this is for the best, I'll rise above this. All that stuff that I always think when something shitty happens to me. Which is true. I know it. I possess phoenix-like qualities when I need to.
Part of me thinks that I got too cocky. I thought I was the best. I'm barely in the top 10 according to the email. There's no hope of me getting scholarship money for this--unless I hunted down and killed the other winners.
And it just....it just hurts. I wanted it SO badly. I saw myself in DC, I pictured the internship and me excelling and shining and impressing and connecting and making new friends. I could taste it. And people are always taught that if you want anything bad enough, you'll get it.
All lies.
And honestly, I wanted it for my mom. So she could be proud of me. So she could tell the family that her daughter is going to DC, that she has an internship. That's concrete. It's above the weddings that will occur for my cousins this summer. It's something that would have made people see me as more than just a college student who's really a failure because she's not married yet. This would have cemented me as someone going places, someone who would make a mark on the world.
And really, I wanted a moment in the sun. If I would have gotten this, I wanted all my friends to just go to a restaurant and toast me and celebrate with me. I wanted a moment to me. A moment where I'm surrounded by those I love, a moment I could look back on. A time when it was just me and something I did that was good--not just a silly random Krissy moment.
This hurts so bad. I'm not the best. I've let myself down most of all. I've cried so much my temples ache.
So, if you know me or see me in the next couple of days, just beware. I'm probably gonna either be a walking hormonal mess or be numb to the world.
Something better's gotta be around the corner. I have to keep thinking that. Or else I may just go insane.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~
Livin' Out My RockStar Fantasy To: silence, the pipes rattling
Crush du Jour: nada
Happy Thought of the Moment: my friends, they just rock