I hate when I get into a funk. It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes...
I just retreat into my head and just think. Usually the results aren't pretty. And usually it's brought on by the most ordinary thing.
This current mood has been brought to me by my car repair. Ugh. I may have to shell out $600+ to repair some crack in an aluminum head. It sucks. Like I have that kind of money. Especially when London is looming on the horizon.
It just got me thinking about stuff. About how it always seems like there's some obstacle for me to tackle. And it's always around the time when something I've been looking forward to is coming up. It just seems odd. Yes, there will always be hills in the way of goals and dreams and blah blah. I realize that. And yes, it sounds like a pity party or whining. It is. I don't care--we all get the right to whine every now and then.
Then it got me thinking about my childhood, my past, if you will. It's no secret that I wasn't born in a platinum palace. My family, basically, is poor. My mom would probably be dead--or really really sick--if it wasn't for Medicaid footing her bills for asthma and rhuematoid arthritis. My dad did absolutely jack shit to help out the family after he ran off. Those things don't exactly factor into a childhood full of special surprises and family trips. My childhood rocked because of my mom and sister, but we didn't have a lot. Because of that I made my own fun and learned to not expect too much. I loved life for the little things and dreamed big, but never really expected to do a lot because of the financial situation.
I grew up not expecting great things to fully happen to me. When I went on band trips, it was a dream come true because I was seeing parts of America that I probably wouldn't have seen otherwise. When I went to Hawaii I almost died for sheer happiness of seeing a far-fetched dream realized. It wasn't until then that I realized that I can do anything I want and go where I really want to go as long as I don't think that I can't. Cynicism and letting the past hold me back are huge handicaps, I realized.
I never thought that way again until today. The sheer weight/excitement of London has started to fully sink in. And part of me is still cynical that this will happen, even though Ryan and I aren't going to turn back on this opportunity. I hate that I'm so cynical about it still. I was so hesitant at first because plans fall through so much--especially in my past. The only times when things worked out before seemed to be when I made it happen--I spearheaded fundraising for Hawaii, I made plans for past road trips (true, my friends are passive and say "I don't care" a lot in those cases...). To fully trust that another friend, no matter how close he is, will follow through is asking a lot.
I'm insecure at times. I hate this part of me. It's hidden for a while. And now it's rearing it's ugly head when it shouldn't. It can't. I won't let it. I just am because I feel vulnerable about financial things.
I won't let it get me down. It's a mere pothole on the road to fabulousness and adventure. London, I'm coming. Fuck--world, I'm coming. Credit card debt or not.
I just have to stop babbling first.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~