The first freezing rain of the season came last night. My boyfriend kept checking the weather updates on his Droid last night and shuttered as he saw the warning creep closer and closer to the area where we live. I dismissed it by comforting him with promises that he would have a cute able-bodied girl to help him chip the ice from his car if it did come. What he didn't know is that I am a hopeless klutz who bruises at the thought of winter weather due to my poor track record of Krissy vs. The Winter. (See Winter 2004 where I fell a record dozen times in two months. My ass still hurts whenever I think about that horrible season.) What I was hoping was that I was no longer cursed as it has been a LONG time since I've been really hurt by The Weather.
Fast forward to this afternoon. Both of us almost fell on our asses as we skidded around the sidewalk outside my building. Ice coated every inch of the ground, gleaming in the afternoon light. We skated our way down to the parking lot where we found a quarter inch of ice coating the shiny red surface of his car. As I made my way to my car to grab my scraper my left foot slipped and for one spectacular second my body twisted into the form of an Ice Capades dancer, hands flung in the air, as my right knee dropped down into a semi-graceful position. Any joy I may have derived from looking graceful immediately melted as I felt pain shooting through my knee. I began making snorfling, squeaky noises, partially because it hurt so damn badly but also because I didn't want my boyfriend to think I was a total spazzy wuss.
Later, I had to venture back out onto campus for a meeting. I was none too thrilled to have to face the ice again, especially now that I had a soon-to-be-blue bump on my right knee. Although it looked like some measures had been taken to ensure the safety of the students, ice still coated the majority of the sidewalk surface area around campus. This pissed me off. How could they not do a better job of removing the ice? Who cares of it's the weekend? Don't they care about the safety of the people who live here? What the hell?
I grew more and more infuriated as I navigated my way around the iced cobblestones, mainly by "skating" on my shoes. I moved my feet as little as possible in an attempt to ensure that I would not fall and hurt myself again. I would not be hurt again, I vowed as I skidded around campus.
Huffing and furious, I finally returned to my hall. As I carefully made my way towards my home, I began to reflect on my icy experience. I got hurt fairly badly earlier on in the day. It could have been worse, but that didn't stop my knee from throbbing all afternoon. Because of my injury, I was scared, nervous and angry about having to navigate my way around the icy paths later on. I didn't want to fall and hurt myself even worse. I was terrified of slipping up again. So to insure against that, I took little steps. I went very slowly. And I made it back safely.
All of this? Can be an analogy for where I'm at right now in my relationship. All of it feels very parallel to me in a very random way. Being hurt badly made me scared about getting hurt again. I assumed I would get hurt when I went out again tonight--yet I didn't. I made it back safe and sound. Fear plays far too big of a role in my life. And frankly I'm sick of it. I don't want my past to dictate my future, whether that means venturing out in the wintry weather or allowing someone new into my life. It hasn't been easy and it will probably be hard for a bit longer. But I want to live life for me, for him, for us, for love. Not for fear. Like getting home safely tonight, that probably means taking it slow, trusting myself and allowing things to just happen as they will.
What happened after I fell this afternoon was this: he helped me up and into my apartment. He kissed my knee, then tucked me under my favorite purple blanket. He told me not to worry about him but it was clear from the way he was looking at me that he not only cared about me, but loved me so much that he was worried about a minor knee bruising. He then got me a cookie from the kitchen and told me that he'd be there for me no matter what I needed. With someone like this in my life, letting go of fear and pain could be a bit easier.