There are a couple of people in my life that I feel some hostility towards. Or rather, not hostility exactly, but anger and resentment because of some reason or another. It used to be that I felt these things towards my stepmother and my past in general, but I've come to realize that that was just me being young and naive. After that realization, I accepted life as it was and tried to make the best of my life--the whole life-hands-you-lemons... theory really can work if you let it. I figured that there was no reason to be unhappy. I'm only unhappy if I let myself be unhappy.
And while this theory is wonderful and works well for the most part, I realized a couple of months ago that--like I mentioned at the beginning of this--there are a couple of people that I feel negativity towards. I don't want to feel like this, but I do.
My ex-roommate is one of those people. (My first roommate last year--not Becks. Becky was fantastic; we still talk. I kind of consider her to be a sister, actually.) I hate that she was able to hurt me and hurt me hard. And I hate her for doing that. I hate that we were great friends before living together and that we weren't even talking by the time she moved out. I hate that she didn't act like I existed. I hate that she was two-faced and a backstabber and that she tried to change me and then break me. And I really hate that I still feel a tinge of hurt when I think about this. Because negative people don't deserve any time, attention or energy from me, yet from time to time, I still remember how bad things were. And that might be a good thing because it keeps me in check. And helps me to realize that the rest of my friends and family are completely amazing and that they would never treat me like my ex-roommate did. While this is a good thing (the reality check, that is) I want to be over it. Fully and completely. And I hate that I'm not.
My ex-boss is the other person that I feel slightly hostile towards. He's not on the same plane as the ex-roommate, but rest assured that there is a tinge of negativity towards him. I have no doubt in my mind that he was probably a decent person. But he was a horrendous boss and the worst leader I have ever seen in my entire life. I'm annoyed that I never received feedback from him. I despised that smirk he got on his face when he thought that I said or did something slightly stupid. I hated the way my stomach seized up whenever he was in the office because I knew he was going to say something snarky about me or the job I was doing. And I really loathed how he never communicated after I pleaded for performance feedback and constructive comments/complaints/anything that could help me do my job. There was a wall that was never broken down; that communication barrier was the kiss of death in every way. Especially when he actually talked to me and told me that he hadn't been happy with anything I'd done in my first three and a half months on the job.
Like the example with the ex-roomie, there is a shard of silver with this cloud of gloom. I was able to stand up for myself eventually and get myself out of that horrid situation. And I now know what I do and don't want in a job...and in life. Communication truly is the key to...well, everything in my world. Too bad it took an asshole of a boss to show me that.
And I think I'm getting over all of it. I think. I feel less negative towards the former boss than before. I had a dream where he made a cameo last night and he ignored me because I ignored him and life was well. That's a sign of growth....I think.
There's an cliche' about being once bitten and twice shy. While the empowered me would never admit to that, the part of me that's baring my soul completely agrees with said cliche'. These people serve as cautionary tales to myself. About how to act and how to deal and how to live. And sometimes the best I can do is take note, feel the pain and try move on.
Ciao, dahling!
~*Krissy*~