Thanks for Making Me a Fighter [ November 13, 2008, 8:23 pm ]

"Change of plans--he wants a trial."

Those words were uttered to me at approximately 3 o'clock this afternoon, and approximately 5 minutes after the prosecuting attorney told me he thought that my ex-boyfriend was going to plead guilty.

The second that I was told the news I burst into tears. How could he do this to me? Why would he want a trial? Does he not know that this means he'll probably end up with a higher, more serious charge and a worse sentence? Why would he do such a thing? How could he do such a thing to me?

I truly thought that the final pre-trial today would end things. I thought it would be the end of a chapter on my journey to healing. I was wrong.

I was afraid going into this. My stomach knotted as I waited around the lobby of the courtroom. I wasn't prepared to live the pain of the altercation again. But I would because I knew it was a necessary step. Besides--the victim advocate informed me that it would only be a few questions from the judge and that would be it. I could handle that. I would handle that.

Instead, I was informed after waiting around for nearly two hours that instead of a plea being entered and sentencing happening, there would be a trial. A real trial with testimonies and cross-questioning and a jury and everything. Jury selection is on Monday.

My heart breaks as I write this. I imagined that something like this might actually happen, but I didn't think it would get that far. I thought it was my imagination getting the best of me. I thought it would be over long before this. Instead this will go on for at least another week...if not longer than that.

The victim advocate told me that normally the women don't show up. She said that it breaks her heart each time she calls a name in the lobby and nobody answers. When that happens, the cases are thrown out and the abuser gets off scott-free. The defendants hope that the women don't show up; they rely on the fact that they're afraid or tired or busy or just sick of reliving the abuse.

If that's what he's hoping for, then my ex-boyfriend has another thing coming to him. Because this is one thing that I will not back down from. He has hurt me for long enough. He will not get away with the hell he has put me through--it will not compare to what I will unleash right back. Yes, I might be scared and tired and busy and so sick of talking about what he did to me. But I am not about to let him get away with it. If I have to testify I will look him in the eye as I talk about how much pain I have been through. And if I cry, it will be alright. I will not be silenced by this. I will not back down from this.

If it's a fight he wants, he's going to get it.

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