Queasy [ November 04, 2009, 5:42 pm ]

Today has been an emotional vomit day.

You know? Emotional vomit? Where one minute you're fine and the next you're bawling to your boss because you're finally recognizing feelings of loneliness and anxiety? When your emotions are so surface level that tears hover at the corners of your eyes waiting to freefall if you let your guard down even one more milimeter?

Or is it just me?

At any rate today is one of those days. And before my meeting it was a good day: lots of stuff checked off the to-do list, a white chocolate blackberry latte', hilarious comments left on my Facebook wall...nothing to bawl about. But then I began reflecting with my boss (who is nothing short of angelic) about recent experiences that have been less-than-stellar and fallen well-short of expectations and the emotional vomit began.

And it's not like I'm unhappy. I'm far from that because my job is incredibly fulfilling and my staff is amazing and I completely respect and adore my co-workers and bosses. But lately I've been feeling like the chubby, bespectacled, wart-having version of myself that I was when I was eight years-old when I was the new kid in school and the only time that kids talked to me was to make fun of my glasses or sweatsuits (oh yes, I wore PLENTY of pastel-colored, teddy bear-adorned sweatsuits in elementary school--hot, I know). I realized that I'm feeling this way because this is the first time since I was eight that I'm really on my own with no friends in sight. I am in a brand-new area and I have nobody to invite over for movie nights or lunch dates. It's a small area where social circles are close and tight and seemingly inpenetrable. And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I want to share my pudding cup, but with whom?

It's not easy to be alone and feeling vulnerable. I miss my good friends so much. My cell phone has quickly become my most valued possession as I spend hours texting and/or talking to the ones I love in order to feel the connections that came so easily in college and grad school. Those connections are not so easy to make in a new area when one is so focused on learning a new job and is seemingly an outlier due to her easily expressed emotions and unique outlook on life. I'm so used to being surrounded by love and friends, which makes the adjustment a thousand times harder when they're not around.

There is no easy solution to my problem. It's a part of the journey and I recognize there is value in this transitory period of my life. This does not make things easier, but it makes me feel a little better because I know I'll come out of this a better human being because loneliness is a universal feeling. To combat that, however, I've signed up for fencing lessons, which makes my inner child squeal with glee because nothing could be more exciting than learning to wield a sword according to her. I also continue to cling to my cell phone and Facebook as outlets to connect with the people I love. And I keep breathing. Because some days that's all I can ask. And because deep breaths help to keep the emotional vomit at bay.

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