Just Jump [ June 04, 2005, 3:58 pm ]

I'm growing increasingly aggravated at my sleep cycles. I'm finding that I can't sleep for more than six or seven hours a night and if I take a nap then I'm screwed because I'll toss and turn for what seems like hours when I try to sleep. Ugh. And when I tried to sleep in today I was awake before ten. This does not make me happy. At all.

But I did manage to get a couple of hours in this afternoon to make up for the lack-o-sleep last night. And while I slept I had an interesting dream. I had this dream that I was either a counselor or a camper at this really odd camp. It was a camp where we didn't do outdoorsy things (sounds like a Krissy kind of camp) like normal camps. I don't know exactly what we did. I know that I was a moody motherfucker while there who cried over Lindsay Lohan's extreme skeletal makeover and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with my life.

There were lots and lots of beds in each cabin. And the ceilings in the cabins were high--like three stories high. And the cabins were really large and spacious; they looked like movie studios almost. I think innately I realized that this wasn't reality, that it was a facade of sorts. But the feelings that rushed at me were real: my fear of heights on being on the top bunk--which was about two stories high--and then my deep crush for another worker.

Both feelings played out in the climax of the dream where I somehow got stuck on my bed and couldn't get down. I was bawling and hyperventilating while being pissed at a friend who was flirting with my crush on the ground below. Once he saw that I was stuck, though, he launched into rescue-hero mode and threw a mattress under my bed, then tried to coax me to jump. My fear of heights wouldn't let me, though, even though he was being really sweet and trying his best to reassure me that I wouldn't be hurt. My fear wouldn't let me jump though. What I ended up doing was edging my way down the two-story bunk beds by shimmying down the bedposts.

More happened after that, like I befriended some gay campers and it ended up snowing in June, but that was basically the gist of the dream.

When I first started to think about the meaning of the dream, I thought wow! How empowering. I didn't need the help of anyone; I helped myself.

Well...yes, that is true. I was all Miss Independent and helped myself. And that is empowering. And it sums up how I live my life, essentially.

But as I was writing this, another theme jumped out at me: fear. Fear of being up that high, fear of getting hurt, fear of being let down. All of those fears hindered me and stopped me from jumping.

And that could also be an analogy for my life.

Now the question is...how can I make that charming little analogy untrue?

Ciao, dahling!

~*Krissy*~

last - next

navigate
current
archives
profile
twitter
notes
host
design