Bruised [ July 17, 2008, 7:56 pm ]


I never imagined it would ever hurt this bad. I didn't think I'd ever feel like my heart was ripped out, shredded, sewn back together and shoved back in my chest. I have never experienced moments where it feels like my chest will collapse and I just can't remember to breathe. I have never wanted to seek solace in my soft, cool bed so much in my life.

All of these things are completely normal, from everything I understand about break-ups. My friends have been very comforting and consoling and understanding. And for that I am so grateful.

But.

What people don't understand is what happened the minute his fist hit my face. The second he lunged at me, I felt fear. But I also immediately thought there's no turning back now. I knew there would be no way I would ever hope to reconcile with somebody who doesn't respect me enough to not hurt me.

More than that, though. My world was rocked--shattered, even--by what he did. In mere moments he went from being someone I loved, respected and trusted to somebody that I feared and hated. How could somebody say he loves me and then pin me to the ground? How can he swear I'm his life and then try to ruin mine in one moment? How am I expected to trust again? How? How can I trust anyone after an event like that?

He promised me he wouldn't hurt me. He gazed into my eyes, wiped my tears after I recounted my family's history and swore he would keep me from getting hurt like that. And I believed him. I trusted him with my heart and now all that's left of our relationship is the bruise that remains on my wrist. A bruise that refuses to fade, sticking around like some sick souvenir.

So not only do I have to deal with all the regular emotions that come rushing forward after a break-up, I have to bandage up my bruises from the attack. And that's the part that's difficult. I want to forget that this happened, I want to be healed, I want to move on. But the bruise reminds me of how recent it was and my mind recounts his face the split second before he rushed at me. It's going to be a long, hard journey for me. And this is one way of growing that I really feel I could do without.

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