All Good [ June 16, 2010, 11:11 pm ]

Me: I'm seriously frustrated! Like, enough to want to join the convent! That's IT! I'm becoming a nun. Men are THAT STUPID!

Joe: Let me know when you've climbed every mountain and forged every stream. And? Good luck with that.

In my last entry I proclaimed that I'm ready to put myself out there. To attempt to date again. To try to find a partner. To explore that part of myself. In order to do this, I signed up for an online dating site. I figured that maybe there was a male market I wasn't tapping into with my very busy schedule of shopping/date-scouting at Target and Barnes & Noble.

I wasn't wrong...but I wasn't entirely correct either. There are not a lot of men in my area who seem driven--or who even have proper grammar or zero children. But I persevered and took a chance by emailing one of the only ones who seemed friendly, intelligent and driven. We corresponded via email for a couple of weeks and then arranged a coffee date.

Said date? Last Saturday. And while I'm no date expert, I thought it went well. We both laughed, swore and talked over each other in excitement. It seemed promising, which lead to an afternoon date today. Outside and out of my element. In mid-80 degree heat. Aside from the attrocious amount of sweating I did, it was enjoyable. Conversation did not flow as easily this time around, but I chalked it up to us being caught up in our game.

However. At the end of our date we stood there awkwardly in the parking lot. He muttered something about a study group and gathered his frisbees then said good-bye. No hug or even a handshake. Nothing. He started moving towards his car and I panicked--how dare he not leave with better closure or an offer of another date? Or even the cliche' "I'll call you" line? I had to do something, so I called out to him, "You know? It's ok if you call me."

He looked at me and gave a half-smile. "It's all good!" He then gave a half-wave and sprinted off to his car.

What the hell?!?

It's all good? What does that even mean?!? If I'm translating guy-speak correctly, I think it means that I've been blown off. I'm no expert when it comes to love and especially men, but I'm fairly sure that at most I'll be getting a polite email from this guy in the near-future saying that we should just be friends.

Yes. This sucks. It's hard even finding a person I want to spend a couple of hours in a coffeeshop with. It's exciting to prep for a date and figure out what to wear and what to say and ask. It's even more fun to do the girly thing of imagining the two of us as a couple, curled up watching movies or stoking bonfires or attending events together being all couple-y and sickening. Because, oh yes, I went there. So it's hard to receive a brush-off like "it's all good". It's also frustrating because I have no idea what to do or think--or what he thinks. (So afterwards I called friends to bitch, which lead to the nun comments.)

At the same time, I give myself major credit for even putting myself out there. I nearly chickened out at least half a dozen times before the coffee date. But I followed through even though I was ridiculously scared. And then today I put myself even more out there by agreeing to play a game I've never played and then sweating my makeup off in front of him. It's huge for me to be vulnerable and foundation-free in front of people I don't know well. But I did all of these things. And I survived.

So maybe there wasn't a love connection this time around. But I'm putting myself and my hope for a good person and a great love out into the universe. This is a big step for me, all things considered. So even if nothing more concrete came of these dates than a story and a couple of quotes that's ok. Because I'm a little bit braver from this when all is said and done because I put myself out there; I took a risk. So I won't obsess about this guy like I normally would. I'll vent to friends for a bit, then breathe. Then I'll send my thanks to the world and wish the guy nothing but good. Because if anything, it always helps to have good karma on my side when it comes to looking for love...or at least a decent date to keep me from running off to the convent.

last - next

navigate
current
archives
profile
twitter
notes
host
design