I spent a lot of time during graduate school talking about self-actualization. This is the process of realizing who you are through challenging things, whether it's navigating a new environment, taking on hard classes, meeting new people or doing a variety of other things that will force you out of your comfort zone. Because it is only when you push yourself through a challenge and the potential uncomfortable-ness of a situation that you learn more about yourself. Or so I believe after talking this theory to pieces for a solid 1/13th of my life. As a professional my goal is to help students come to a greater, deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them because it is only through self-actualization that they can go out and do greater things. You need to know how to help yourself before you can help the world.
More than that, though, I've learned the value of truly knowing who I am. I shouldn't forget who Krissy is though I spend the majority of my time currently connecting with students. It is with that in mind that I began thinking about the real me. I've spent a lot of time extoling my virtues via this blog, but we all know I am far from perfect. When I have my downer moments I tend to think that I'm the most worthless person to walk the planet--while I may be my biggest fan I am also my harshest critic. Happily those moments are few and far between and I am definitely not in one of them right now. But I do feel the urge to reveal my "warts and all" side, if only for a cathartic experience on my part.
My heart is always on my sleeve. It's been that way since I was very young, for better or for worse. My emotions are always bubbling just below the surface and if I exercise no self-control the world knows exactly how I feel. I cry easily and at really random things, like the YouTube video of the wedding part that danced down the aisle to Chris Brown's "Forever". I get irrational when emotionally stressed, which is unfortunate because I'm an awful arguer to begin with. I whine a lot about stupid shit like cold weather and shoes that hurt my feet when I could easily throw on a sweater or take off the four-inch heels. I am ridiculously open about my thoughts, feelings and opinions and am all too happy to expose them to the world. It's that surface-level-heart-on-my-sleeve thing.
I spout off my opinions very quickly and usually find out that I'm wrong or change my mind very shortly after opening my big mouth. Though I am getting better at admitting when I'm wrong. And I'm getting a lot better about claiming my right to change my mind.
I. Am. Loud. I love this about me, but the thousands of moments that flood my memory of people shushing me remind me that not everybody appreciates a boisterous girl.
I am the least domesticated person I know--guys included. I can successfully cook a total of five different meals and have been rotating this menu for months now because of my hopeless cooking skills. (Though I do make a few kick-ass party dishes like baked brie and taco salad, which makes me a valuable asset to any get-together.) I loathe cleaning and chores and have honed an addiction to bad reality tv in an attempt to avoid it at all costs. It's working.
I hate spending money on groceries and would much rather spend my money at Target, Barnes & Noble, Kohls and/or Crafts Direct. I cannot resist buying jewelry, accessories and non-fiction books. I swear it's a disease and no matter how many times I tell myself to hold back I never can. Less in not more for me; more is more and I get great pleasure from cracking open a new book or rocking a cute new pair of earrings. I suck at saving money and I only begrudgingly give up my paycheck to bills.
I spend far too much time thinking about my hair. (Three days ago I said "I'm always up for an adventure...as long as my hair doesn't get messed up.") I can't leave my apartment without having on foundation, mascara, perfume and lip balm at the very least. While this sounds high maintenance, it is nothing compared to the maintenance I need in a relationship, which includes the use of pet names, lots of cuddling and making out and frequent reminders that I am valued/appreciated/loved. I am alo an attention whore who eats up compliments at an alarming rate...yet never remembers them during those rare downer moments.
Despite all of these things, I still believe I am somebody you should know. Because if you know me, you're probably a friend of mine, which means I love you. Because that's who I am. I live with an open heart and I draw inspiration from everything around me. I try to make my friends feel valued, appreciated and loved. I am fiercely loyal and trusting because I have no reason not to be those things until proven otherwise. I know that despite all of the battles and tiny tragedies I've been through that life truly is beautiful. I'm always up for an adventure, but I also have fun having hour-and-a-half phone conversations about nothing or watching a marathon of Rock of Love. I laugh easily and often because really? This life is too hilarious and (at time) ironic not to see the humor in everything. I recognize that I am definitely a work in progress and I willingly take on the challenge of becoming a better person.
As I've written this songs from Rent and John Mayer have come up several times on my iPod, reminding me of friends, amazing memories and my core self that holds so much good yet so many challenges. I recognize that I'm on a journey towards self-actualization...one that very few people truly reach the end of. I'm still learning and growing and figuring out myself. And I know I am ridiculously flawed. (Even while writing this, I got distracted by Facebook for a good fifteen minutes because another charming quality of mine is flightiness.) But I am also an incredible woman worth knowing. I feel bad for those who don't.